And Eye for an Eye (105)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death Be Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Alan Shore: ...I'm bored.

Paul Lewiston: I beg your pardon.

Alan Shore: You people keep assigning me these boring cases. At my old firm, I got murderers. I had clients who would touch themselves in public restrooms. These were people you could root for, not to mention relate to.

Paul Lewiston: Is there some other place you'd rather be, Mr. Shore?

Alan Shore: Yes, I want to be on cable. That's where all the best work is being done.

Paul Lewiston: Denny? Are you handling the Holcomb Pharmaceuticals trial?

Denny Crane: I am.Paul Lewiston: Are you prepared to try this case?

Denny Crane: I will be.

Paul Lewiston: You will be? Are you aware the trial begins tomorrow?

Alan Shore: So….shall we?

Tara Wilson: We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?

Alan Shore: I do. But what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?

Tara Wilson: In front of my building, with you peeing in the planter.

Alan Shore: I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.

Tara Wilson: That plant needed watering.

Alan Shore: You should've let me come up, Tara.

Tara Wilson: It was 4:00 am. If I let you up, next thing we know we're in the liquor cabinet. Two minutes after

that, passed out. Robin sprawled across Batman. What would they say at the Hall of Justice?

Alan Shore: Was that what you were afraid of? The sprawling?

Tara Wilson: I invited you out to get your mind off Sally.

Alan Shore: You've succeeded. It's back to an old, familiar, wanton place.

Tara Wilson: Alan, we agreed that you and I couldn't work.

Alan Shore: What was the reason again? I've forgotten.

Tara Wilson: It would be trouble. One night out, we lose all control and end up behind bars.

Alan Shore: Which was utterly intoxicating, was it not? Losing control together.

Denny Crane: Thick file.

Paul Lewiston: Of course it's a thick file. It's a class action involving thousands of plaintiffs, and it's complicated, Denny.

Denny Crane: Thick file.

Paul Lewiston: Look, all we can do is throw ourselves at the mercy of the judge. If you and I both go to see him and explain Edwin's situation, maybe he'll give us some time.

Denny Crane: Thick file.

Denny Crane: Brian, you and I have a relationship. I think of you as a friend.

Judge Brian Franzetti: Yes, well, that friendship has gotta take a backseat to principle. I'm sorry.

Denny Crane: Well, you know, Brina, given our relationship, I feel entitled to be honest, the way friends are during difficult times. Can I be honest with you, Brian?

Judge Brian Franzetti: Please.

Paul Lewiston: Denny.

Denny Crane: You're a bastard, and a greedy one at that. This is a class action. You get credit for all the consolidated cases in one fell swoop. You're looking to make presiding judge. You need that credit by calendar year's end. That's why you're desperate to move this thing forward - to pad your docket. This is about ambition, not morality, you greedy, sniveling, little wop.

Judge Brian Franzetti: Motion for continuance denied.

Denny Crane: You know what I'm gonna do, Brian? Just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm gonna sleep with your wife.

Attorney Braxton Mason: The offer was firm at 70.

Alan Shore: Yes. We thought if you'd unfirm it to one and a quarter, we could be done. Your client wouldn't have to testify tomorrow which, of course, would free him up to misdiagnose others.

Attorney Braxton Mason: You don't seem to get it, Mr. Shore. We offered 70 as nuisance change.

Alan Shore: Yes. We just feel Mr. Morgan is a much bigger nuisance than you give him credit for. And I'm an enormous nuisance. We should get something for that.

Alan Shore: One last proposal, and it's entirely possible I'm kidding, by the way, depending upon your reaction. 300,000, sealed. We kick back 50 to you under the table.

Attorney Braxton Mason: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.

Alan Shore: Really? Gosh, I am.

Attorney Braxton Mason: I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.

Alan Shore: Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.

Attorney Braxton Mason: I'm going to the judge now.

Alan Shore: Excellent. New trial. That'll certainly cost your client much more than 75,000.

Attorney Braxton Mason: Your offer is rejected.

Tara Wilson: Suppose he does go to the judge.

Alan Shore: Oh, please. He doesn't want a mistrial. He thinks he's won. Plus, he can't prove I wasn't kidding. I'm known to be funny.

Denny Crane: Hate old people. Always have. They're babies. Hell, there's a reason half of them are in diapers. The elderly make up a large percentage of the wealth in this country. They run most of the Fortune 500 companies. They're running the war, for God's sakes. And most of them are viable, healthy people. What do they do? Retire at age 65 and start draining our resources. We got enormous poverty in this country. We can't educate our kids, partly because these strong-bodied, strong-minded senior citizen farts are living off of Social Security. Why shouldn't we overcharge 'em?

Judge Brian Franzetti: Mr. Crane, I'm not following your argument here.

Denny Crane: That's 'cause you're a moron. Judges … old people - they all gotta go.

Judge Brian Franzetti: Mr. Crane!

Denny Crane: Tell you what. Slap my client with a million-dollar verdict. We'll pass on the cost to the consumer. The plaintiffs will think they've won, and we won't be out a dime.

Judge Brian Franzetti: Members of the jury, regretfully I must declare this proceeding a mistrial.

Denny Crane: Aw, gee, I'm sorry to hear that. That'll cause a big delay, won't it? Next thing you know, he'll recuse himself because I called him a bad word.

Judge Brian Franzetti: You are in contempt! Bailiff, take Mr. Crane into custody.

Denny Crane: Put me in a cell with Martha, will ya? I gotta have sex with that woman.

Paul Lewiston: My father was a criminal defense attorney. He went into it to champion civil rights, to defend the oppressed, to … connect with people. But all I ever saw at the supper table was a man struggling to deal with the idea that he helped put murderers back on the street.

Tara Wilson: You don't know me, Alan Shore, not as well as you think.

Alan Shore: No?

Tara Wilson: No. Certainly not as well as I know you.

Alan Shore: How well is that?

Tara Wilson: I know that there are three Alan Shores. The good, the bad and the naughty. The good Alan, the man that I saw today in court, is honorable and decent. But you can't bear the burden of being that man. Thus the bad Alan, who lays to waste everything in his life that seems right. I do have intentions. My intentions are to get beyond the bad which I've tried to do again and again by appealing to the good. But it appears to me that perhaps I should be appealing to the naughty.

Alan Shore: I'm not certain the Tara Wilson I know is up to the task.

Tara Wilson: Again, you don't know me, Alan.