Hired Guns (110)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death Be Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Tara Wilson: So, do I get my kiss or not?

Alan Shore: Tara, the way mistletoe works is the one standing under it is the one to receive.

Alan Shore: Ah, Denny. This is Carmen Flores. She works here in housekeeping.

Denny Crane: Excellent. Why do I care?

Alan Shore: Perhaps you don't. First off, let me say how incredible you were last night. The whole office is still... stunned.

Denny Crane: Thank you.

Alan Shore: Now, on a topic far removed from you, and therefore much less entertaining, though of some import to Carmen, her children have been snatched by her ex-husband. Who do you know at the Boston Police Department?

Denny Crane: I know everybody.

Alan Shore: You hear that, Carmen? The man knows everybody.

Officer Davis: It's just that we regard it more as a domestic custody dispute. Her recourse would be with probate.

Alan Shore: Well, there's where we're wrong, Denny. I thought if you were to physically and unlawfully grab somebody and haul them off to a foreign country, it would be a crime.

Denny Crane: Well, I'll be damned.

Alan Shore: So, we're wrong then. By the way, does one need to be related to the victim to escape charges? There's this Junior Mint I've had my eye on. I thought I might borrow her for a long weekend. Perhaps the Bahamas.

Officer Michaels: As we understand it, the father always brings the kids back.

Alan Shore: That's what I'd do. Be a joyride.

Denny Crane: We're wasting time here, and you two look like good men. Department's full of good men. That's why Denny Crane and this firm invest so much money in your annual ball. So, you'll arrest the husband because, A-Denny Crane wants you to, and B...

Alan Shore: I play poker with some reporters, one in particular who'd be curious as to why ethnic child snatchings don't get your attention. And, C...

Denny Crane: The children were kidnapped. And D...

Alan Shore: You're officially on notice.

Lori Colson: You don't need to ask the $64,000 Question.

Brad Chase: Because?

Lori Colson: He will; and then he can't object to it.

ADA John Shubert: You can't state to a medical certainty that the defendant suffered from post-traumatic amnesia, can you?

Dr. Herbert Waylon: To a medical certainty, no.

ADA John Shubert: And you can't medically rule out the possibility that the defendant pulled the trigger that night, can you, Doctor?

Lori Colson: Bingo.

Dr. Herbert Waylon: No, I cannot rule it out. In fact, while I happen to believe her version of the events, I make room for a completely different scenario.

ADA John Shubert: Which is?

Dr. Herbert Waylon: Well, it's possible she looked into this bedroom, saw her husband making love to another woman, and that threw her into a dissociative state. And in that state, she shot them.

ADA John Shubert: I'm sorry, are... you're now saying maybe she killed them?

Dr. Herbert Waylon: Well, I believe she found them dead as she says. But it's possible that she saw them making love, went into a dissociative state-something we refer to medically as automatism-and in that state, she may have killed them. Then her brain creates a false memory of something less horrifying to her.

ADA John Shubert: I have nothing further.

Brad Chase: Her brain created a false memory?

Dr. Herbert Waylon: Yes. Sometimes, if a person's actions are repugnant to them, they can actually create a false version that is more psychologically acceptable.

Brad Chase: And they believe this as the truth?

Dr. Herbert Waylon: Absolutely.

Brad Chase: So it's possible that she committed the murders?

Dr. Herbert Waylon: No. Murder suggests an intent she would've been incapable of. If she did this-and I'm not saying that she did-she would've likely lost all conscious control. She would've acted outside herself. And as a defense, her brain would have manufactured this other memory, that she walked in and found them already dead.

Tara Wilson: Now you're being desperate.

Alan Shore: standing under a very large swag of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling next to the desk Too much?

Tara Wilson: Just a bit. I never figured you to place quite such a premium on a kiss.

Alan Shore: A kiss is the promise of what's to come, Tara. A kiss is... deep breath in... the Christmas Eve of sex.

Tara Wilson: I actually favor the Christmas Eve... Christmas Eve.

Alan Shore: I'm sorry?

Tara Wilson: It's not the part where the lips actually touch; it's the part just before that... when they're so close. When you know it's about to happen. You can almost feel it, taste it - I like that bit to last forever. Don't you just love to make it last forever?

Julio Flores: Christmas is family. I go to Peru to be with family. My kids are part of that.

Alan Shore: I understand, sir. It's not what the "No Child Left Behind Act" had in mind...

Julio Flores: I'm going to kill you.

Alan Shore: I'd prefer you didn't.

Alan Shore: You're here because of your children. So, I'll ask you to think about your children. If you go to prison, they lose their father.

Julio Flores: With an arrest, I'm going to lose all custody. They already lost their father.

Julio Flores: You feel like a great lawyer now, Mr. Shore? Huh?

Alan Shore: I feel like a busy one. So, if you're going to shoot me, let's do it. I have plans.

Denny Crane: See all the police outside? We must have a jumper. I hope it isn't Paul.

Denny Crane: Why are you women in my office?

Sally Heep: You really don't realize what's happening?

Denny Crane: I think I do. Let's take off our clothes.

Sally Heep: A man has a gun trained on Alan Shore out there. That's why the police are here.

Denny Crane: Out there?

Sally Heep: He's threatening to kill him.

Denny Crane: Why didn't anybody come and get me?! All right, then.

Tara Wilson: Are you mad?

Sally Heep: Mr. Crane, I really don't think that's a good idea.

Denny Crane: It's a fantastic idea.

Tara Wilson: Denny, the police are already here.

Denny Crane: Yes, I can see they've got everything under control.

Denny Crane: Tara, when I say open, you open that door.

Tara Wilson: I certainly will not!

Denny Crane: I'm an ex-Marine! I was a trained sniper. Or was it a pilot?

Denny Crane: Oh, gosh, um, Tom DeLay-he's a friend of mine. He advised me to keep a rifle in the office.

Detective Smiley: My question is: Did it appear the suspect was about to shoot Mr. Shore when you decided to take him out?

Denny Crane: No. Why the hell would I wait for that?

Tara Wilson: Can I get you some more water?

Alan Shore: Please. It's vodka.

Tara Wilson: You're still shaking.

Alan Shore: I thought that was it. The way I've lived my life. I've always believed homicide is what God has planned for me.

Tara Wilson: It's nice to know you believe in God.

Alan Shore: Well, it's a law now in this country, isn't it?

Tara Wilson: I love you. I don't want to marry you. I'm not even sure I want to date you. But I love you. And for your information, since you love me as well, this is the point where the boy utters something poetically romantic like, "Me, too." Or perhaps something a little less on the nose like, "You smell good."

Alan Shore: Are you trying to defuse my trauma, because if so...

Tara Wilson: No. I nearly died once, and I remember thinking at the time of those who would grieve. And I wondered whether or not I was loved. You are. More vodka?

Alan Shore: Please. You smell good.

Susan May: I don't know what to say to you. You've given me my life back.

Lori Colson: The doctors say you've still got a lot of healing ahead of you, Susan. Let your family take care of you.

Susan May: Um, that theory Dr. Waylon had-that my brain is tricking me, making me believe that I found them dead when I really... Does he believe that?

Lori Colson: He thinks it's possible.

Susan May: The brain can do that? So how do I know?

Alan Shore: Remember when we went skeet shooting together?

Denny Crane: I do.

Alan Shore: I barely remember you hitting a single skeet.

Denny Crane: I'm a game player.

Alan Shore: This afternoon, did you consider that you might hit me?

Denny Crane: I did. It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy.

Alan Shore: Really?

Denny Crane: Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans-we're homesteaders. We want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys. And save the life of someone you love.

Denny Crane: Wow. Big day. Even for Denny Crane.

Alan Shore: I consider myself many things, Denny, but being loved has never been one of them. And now twice in the same day.

Denny Crane: And the Red Sox won a World Series.

Alan Shore: And the Red Sox won a World Series. You know, Tara told me that once she almost died, and she thought of those who loved her. But I found in that moment, it wasn't who loved me, but rather who I loved. You know whose face I saw, Denny?

Denny Crane: Mine.

Alan Shore: Liza Minelli's.

Denny Crane: Crazy son of a bitch.

Alan Shore: Merry Christmas, my friend.

Denny Crane: Well, I'd say Happy New Year, but...

Alan Shore: Next year couldn't possibly be this good.