Questionable Characters (107)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Alan Shore: Your Honor, while this case is marked for trial, in fact, the defendant would like to accept a plea.

Judge Clark Brown: Is that so?

ADA Allison Hayes: The people have offered reckless endangerment. In exchange, we'd recommend probation.

Judge Clark Brown: That's a reduced charge. You're aware of that?

ADA Allison Hayes: Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Clark Brown: Up here. Both of you. I don't like this. Your office gets behind, so you just let criminals walk?

Alan Shore: It's reassuring to see that you haven't formed any conclusions about my client's guilt or innocence.

Judge Clark Brown: You know what my mother always says? If it smells funny, I'm not eating it.

Alan Shore: Exact opposite of my motto.

Denny Crane: You look upset. I can tell these things. I'm a people person.

Alan Shore: Ever appear before a raving loon named Clark Brown?

Denny Crane: Oh, many a time. Raving loon. 70 years old, still lives with his mother. What did he do to tick you off?

Alan Shore: Humiliated a client for reasons of pure bile and sport.

Denny Crane: Said there was a precedent for it. Cited a bunch of cases where the judges shamed the defendant.

Alan Shore: Right. How'd you know?

Denny Crane: Because the judge in all those cases -

Alan Shore: Judge Brown.

Denny Crane: Raving loon.

Lori Colson: I mean, it's a balancing test, right? Legitimate state interest in recovering probative felony case evidence versus the right to refuse invasive and potentially deadly surgery. I can argue it. Maybe even win.

Paul Lewiston: But?

Lori Colson: But am I suppose to use all of my legal skills so Michael Shea can leave a bullet in his body and die from it?

Paul Lewiston: Now, the doctor didn't say he would necessarily die, right?

Lori Colson: He said the bullet could puncture the heart wall. What are you saying? That it's all right to walk around with a nine-millimeter slug in your chest?

Paul Lewiston: Well, as you know, my policy is to always remove bullets immediately after I'm shot. Lori, is your client competent?

Lori Colson: I suppose.

Paul Lewiston: Is he being clear in communicating his wishes to you?

Lori Colson: Yes.

Paul Lewiston: Have you vigorously presented alternative courses to him?

Lori Colson: Paul, I've done all of those things. Legally, I'm covered. Am I doing the right thing?

Paul Lewiston: You're doing what your client wants within the bounds of the law. End of inquiry.

Alan Shore: Denny, I have an emergency of my own now. A client has been attacked. I need to get going, so you have to tell me what has happened and you need to do so quickly. Denny, please.

Denny Crane: There are two things I hoped to experience in my lifetime that I was sure I never would. The first was the Red Sox winning the World Series. Then when that happened, I thought "By God, I should experience the other."

Alan Shore: The other being a hooker?

Denny Crane: No. I didn't know she was a prostitute. The other was sex with a one-legged woman.

Alan Shore: I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane: My father, God rest his soul, told me the best sex he ever had was with onelegged women. Something about positional play. I don't know. I've always wondered. So there I was driving down the street, and I saw her. A woman with long, flowing hair…an incredible, magnificent limp. So I pulled the car over. I said, "Excuse me, madam. Do you have a wooden leg?" And she said, "Why? Do you have one at the moment?" I smiled and I said, "As a matter of fact-" And she said, "I'm expensive." So I told her I'd buy her a trip to Belize, first class. She pulled out her badge and arrested me. Both her legs were real.

Judge: You thought she had one leg?

Denny Crane: A trip to Belize is a fair and square deal, Bill. Hell, if I had a nickel for every woman I promised to marry in exchange for sex-actually, I do.

Judge: I'm supposed to believe this? Your father told you your best sex was to be had with amputees. You saw this woman limping and you were simply overcome?

Alan Shore: You're leaving out the most important factor, Your Honor.

Judge: Which is?

Alan Shore: The Red Sox. For years, many years, they have, at one time or another made each and every one of us insane. Last October, when they lost the seventh game to the Yankees, crime went up in this city. It's already been predicted we'll have a flood of August babies next year from celebration-induced pregnancies. The Red Sox make us lose ourselves. And in the wake of that team giving us what our hearts have yearned for all our lives, our parents' and grandparents' lives, we have fallen victim to a delirium that makes us believe anything, anything is possible. Including, but not limited to the notion that God put a fetching, one-legged woman in this man's path to commemorate the end of a wretched, horrid curse.

Denny Crane: You know me, Bill. I have hookers all the time. They come to my house. Why would I pull over to the side of the road?

Tara Wilson: I just came to tell you that we won our motion, which is fabulous. Our client gets to keep a bullet in his chest, and he's probably gonna die. But a victory is a victory, right?

Alan Shore: You really think he's going to die?

Tara Wilson: The thing is in his chest. The doctor said if it isn't removed-

Alan is opening a little black book and righting something on a post-it note.

Alan Shore: Self-imposed death sentence in order to avoid a prison sentence. The irony is palpable.

Chairwoman Nora Lang: This is highly unusual, Mr. Shore. Seeking to discipline a judge for imposing a sentence your client agreed to.

Alan Shore: I suspect we'd all agree to a good beating in order to avoid a prison sentence. But, Your Honors, we're not in Singapore.

Alan Shore: Is this lovely woman not your mother?

Judge Clark Brown: Mother! What are you doing in my courtroom?

Alan Shore: I was obviously thrilled to find her available to attend this long-overdue presentation which I am honored to make on behalf of the entire Bar Association Subcommittee on Judicial Excellence. To the Honorable Clark Brown, jurist, scholar and humanitarian. May I approach?

Judge Clark Brown: You may not.

Alan Shore: I think I will. Many congratulations.

Judge Clark Brown: I take it this is your horrific penmanship.

Alan Shore: It is. But in my defense, I was driving to court at the time.

Judge Clark Brown: And I suppose you think presenting me with some cockamamie award you invented is going to help your case.

Alan Shore: The award is for your mother, Judge. As for my case, as I see it, you can hold me in contempt, you can send my client to prison, you can dream up elaborate and humiliating sentence ad infinitum but unfortunately nothing that you do will negate the ego-crushing, utterly emasculating effect your mother clearly has on you as I must confess she had on me after a mere 20 minutes. It was all I could do to resist dining and ditching the woman. Obviously your issues with Esther, oedipal or otherwise can't help but inform your appetite for shame and humiliation. And it's entirely understandable. But you're smarter than your mother. You're stronger than your mother. Show the old battle-ax one can be powerful and yet still be fair and just. My client, Walter Mack, has suffered enough. Let him fix his building and move on with his life. Move on with yours. You're a judge. You have all the power.

Denny Crane: Tell me about the raving loon.

Alan Shore: State bird of Minnesota, actually.

Denny Crane: I heard about your run-in with Paul Lewiston. Did you really threaten to pee on him?

Alan Shore: Forgive me, Denny. I'm not in my usual good humor.

Denny Crane: He never wanted you here from day one. That in mind, you can leave and give him the victory he's aiming for. Or you can stay. Your very presence torturing him, hour after hour, day after day. That's what I do. For the record, I hate sentiment. But before you got here I was beginning to loathe this place.

Alan Shore: There's no crime, Lori. Just a bullet. Turn it in if you want.

Lori Colson: Of course I'm not gonna do that. But I shouldn't even be in this position. And Tara shouldn't either. Why would you corrupt her like that?

Alan Shore: Tara's a grown up, capable of making all sorts of grown-up decisions.

Lori Colson: Don't be glib with me. Tara adores you. Of course she's gonna follow your lead until one day she slips up, somehow blows it, and her career is over.

Alan Shore: And yet here I sit, years of evildoing under my belt, and still a happy camper.

Alan Shore: Am I lost, Denny?

Denny Crane: Depends what you're looking for.

Alan Shore: Lori Colson thinks I'm lost.

Denny Crane: Screw her. Have you?

Alan Shore: That's impolite talk, Denny. Everything okay?

Denny Crane: Oooh. I'm the one that's lost, Alan.

Alan Shore: How so?

Denny Crane: Empty, I should say. All my life I wanted the Red Sox to win the World Series. It was like a quest, you know? Something burning inside. And now the bastards have done it. And I feel like-I don't know-like my pilot light went out.

Alan Shore: I know what you mean. We've been comfortable aspiring to championship. I don't know how comfortable we are as champions.

Denny Crane: What do we do now?

Alan Shore: I don't know.

Denny Crane: Must be awful rooting for the Yankees.