Men to Boys (205)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death By Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Shirley Schmidt: Denny. Paul and I need to talk to you.

Denny Crane: Whatever it is, I'm innocent.

Denny Crane: He comes in. Who's dead?

Paul Lewiston: Nobody's dead Denny. But we have a situation.

Shirley Schmidt: Lori Colson filed an internal complaint against you for sexual harassment.

Denny Crane: Lori Colson? Did I sleep with her?

Shirley Schmidt: In order for that to happen Lori has to withdraw her complaint. And for that to happen you need to apologize to her.

Denny Crane: What did I do?

Paul Lewiston: Last week you talked about whether Judge Brown was a virgin. You made comments about Lori's sex life. As far as she is concerned you broken the camel's back.

Denny Crane: First off, I haven't had sex with a camel since I was in the army, and the camel never complained

by the way. As for Lori, I should be the one making the complaint, she's constantly ogling me.

Denny Crane: Lori. Shirley and Paul have brought to my attention your discomfort with my banter.

Lori Colson: It's crossed the line of banter, Denny.

Denny Crane: Huh. Well. As I get older I probably tend to be more boastful about sex because, well… uhm… I don't perform… uh… How you learned about me and the camel I have no idea. But the truth is I'm an insecure man sexually. Now, can we speak about you?

Lori Colson: Okay.

Denny Crane: I've often found that it's the chubby girls who offend most easily. I don't know why because I'm not a psychiatrist. For what it's worth I like chubby girls, I enjoy chubby sex. What I'm trying to say is if this is a lonely chubbits cry for help. I'm here for you Lori.

Alan Shore: Sara, I see you're a lover of fine wine.

Sara Holt: Not really. I just picked the most expensive. I figured, whatever it is you have in mind here? You should pay for it.

Alan Shore: When I pay for it it's usually cheap and tawdry.

Cassie: I monitor to make sure you don't steal originals.

Garrett Wells: They assigned you to sit in here and watch me?

Cassie: No I volunteer. Why go out with friends when I can sit and observer first year associates do tedious grunt work?

Garrett Wells: Are you a lawyer here?

Cassie: If I was a lawyer, do you think I'd be doing this? I'm a paralegal. Even lower than you in the grunt meter.

Garrett Wells: You got a name?

Cassie: Yep.

Cassie: I don't date.

Garrett Wells: You don't date? You have a boyfriend?

Cassie: Nope.

Garrett Wells: May I ask? Don't you get lonely?

Cassie: I don't date, because all that ever comes of it is that I get to know the guy, maybe even like the guy, only then to be disappointed in bed. So I no longer bother.

Garrett Wells: Oh. Well. If the bed part is important, don't you miss that?

Cassie: I screw. I just don't date.

Denny Crane: Here's a tip my friend. Never, ever talk about anything to do with the environment. It's boring. Makes you boring. Second, it's political. You gotta figure half the people are against you.

Alan Shore: Half the people are against the environment?

Denny Crane: And third, when you go out with a young girl like Sara, you have only one thing to offer, money. She can find younger, better looking guys, better lovers, guys with more interests in common. What you have is power. I actually begin my dates by putting cash right on the table.

Alan Shore: And that works?

Denny Crane: With the hookers?

Lori Colson: Look I actually like Denny, and the truth is I can tolerate most of his nonsense. But whereas five years ago it was flirtatious now it's lascivious. And with Alan Shore suddenly at his side…

Meridith Waters: What's this got to do with Alan Shore?

Lori Colson: Hmm. Alan Shore sexually objectifies every woman he meets. And I mean every woman. At least with him you can say he's an equal opportunity offender.

Meridith Waters: But you haven't filed a complaint against Alan Shore?

Lori Colson: Umm. You know I probably should. But I don't want to give him the satisfaction.

Garrett Wells: We just had ah, excellent chemistry. Look, I promise you I never compromised the case or the firm. It was a personal, uhm, matter.

Shirley Schmidt: You don't think you compromised the firm Mr Wells? You are an associate at Crane, Poole and Schmidt. Your behavior personal or otherwise is a reflection on Crane, Poole and Schmidt. I'm Schmidt!!!

Alan Shore: I'll admit to being bad only if you discipline me.

Shirley Schmidt: I don't think it's a good idea for you to hound first-year associates.

Alan Shore: I don't hound first-year associates. I tickle them. As for Sara Holt? I barely touched her.

Shirley Schmidt: My concern isn't so much for Sara as it is you. It makes you look sad. Even pathetic. What is it about young women? Is it simply a matter of improving blood flow?

Alan Shore: I'm not so much attracted to younger women. It's more the idea that they could be attracted to me. You know you women have it lucky. As you age you only get more beautiful. Men? We get fat and less desirable.

Shirley Schmidt: You and Denny need to find other ways to have fun than being lecherous with junior associates.

Alan Shore: Shirley says we need to behave better.

Denny Crane: If she really knew us deep down, she'd realize we behave pretty damn well.

Alan Shore: I miss Tara. Not that she was… I don't like having dinner alone. Sleeping alone.

Denny Crane: Having sex alone.

Alan Shore: Do you think it's pathetic to…? Uhm. Should we be married and sensible and go home to do whatever men do at home?

Denny Crane: Well I have nothing against marriage. I've done it five times. But here's the thing about wives, they don't let you play with your friends. I mean I couldn't be standing outside here every night on this balcony if… I'll take a friend over a wife every time.

Alan Shore: Shouldn't a wife be your best friend? You know Ralph Waldo Emerson said he reckoned a friend to be the masterpiece of nature. I'm not sure I truly understood that before I met you, Denny.

Denny Crane: I'm not having sex with you.

Alan Shore: Just the same.