The Cancer Man Can (211)

Season 1
Head Cases
Still Crazy After All These Years
Catch and Release
Change of Course
And Eye for an Eye
Truth Be Told
Questionable Characters
Loose Lips
Greater Good
Hired Guns
Schmidt Happens
From Whence We Came
It Girls and Beyond
Till We Meat Again
Tortured Souls
Let Sales Ring
Death Be Not Proud

Season 2
The Black Widow
Finding Nimmo
A Whiff and a Prayer
Men to Boys
Witches of Mass Destruction
Truly Madly, Deeply
Ass Fat Jungle
Legal Deficits
The Cancer Man Can

Daniel Post: Daniel dying of cancer? Is that the way you describe me?

Denise Bauer: Rich guy dying of cancer.

Daniel Post: I like her.

Denise Bauer: Iím not sure if the jury is going to like me, Mr Post. I have a client who tried to buy his way into a cancer study. Can you tell me what possessed you to do that?

Daniel Post: I got cancer.

Alan Shore: Jerry you know I have tremendous affection for my own intelligence. And even I think that you are smarter than me.

Jerry Espenson: Oh, I am.

Denise Bauer: And statically speaking how would it change the likelihood of one person out of the two thousand receiving the drug over the placebo if another person was directed to get the drug?

Peter Clark: Not much.

Denise Bauer: Because there was no guarantee that any of the volunteers would receive the actual drug, the odds were originally fifty- fifty?

Peter Clark: Well the odds would change minimally.

Denise Bauer: Instead of fifty-fifty, the odds would change from forty-nine point nine five to fifty point zero five.

Peter Clark: Sounds right.

Denise Bauer: So virtually no change at all?

Peter Clark: Well if youíre dying Ms Bauer, point zero five is everything.

Denny Crane: Bev bought me a camera phone.

Alan Shore: The woman you enjoyed in the coat room?

Denny Crane: We can send each other pictures. This damn thing takes forever to load.

Alan Shore: Things going well with Bev then?

Denny Crane: She said she wanted to fulfill every single one of my fantasies. I made a list. Had to type it myself. My assistant threatened to quit.

Denny Crane: Whoa. Pictures finally loaded. Look at this.

Alan Shore: Sheís very limber for a woman her age.

Denny Crane: Alan. Iíd like to be alone with my phone. Just fifteen minutes.

Shirley Schmidt: Jerryís had a few blowups, Alan.

Alan Shore: Yes.

Shirley Schmidt: One in front of a client.

Alan Shore: Yes, itís on his permanent record back in 2000. Also says he made a couple of clients feel awkward. Would that be perhaps because heís an awkward guy? Also says he doesnít play golf. Actually he doesnít kiss any ass whatsoever, he just does his job.

Shirley Schmidt: And no oneís denying that. But partners need to bring in clients. Thatís how we make our money. Partners need to attend social dinners and make public speaking engagements and they need to do it without beingÖ

Alan Shore: Different. Very dangerous, Shirley. Very dangerous.

Paul Lewiston: Denise, are you trying to make the jury hate our client?

Daniel Post: If so. Youíre doing a good job. Iím starting not to like me either.

Denny Crane: Shirley. Iím sorry. Didnít hear you knock.

Shirley Schmidt: Gee! I wonder why that could be. Maybe because you were too busy having sex on your desk?

Denny Crane: How did you know? I had the door closed.

Shirley Schmidt: Ah. But you neglected to draw all the blinds.

Denny Crane: Oversight. We were both facing the same way.

Daniel Post: My company sent thousands of pounds of supplies down to New Orleans before FEMA even put its pants on. I fund a charter school for learning disabled kids here in South Boston. I donít think the government does enough to help its people, so I give as much as much as I can. Do you know why I can do that?

Denise Bauer: Because youíre a rich guy who throws his weight around.

Daniel Post: Goes hand in hand. Money gives me connections, connections let me do what I want. Get what I want.

Denise Bauer: You really donít care what anybody thinks? Do you?

Daniel Post: I have stage four lung cancer. I donít give a damn what anybody I donít know, thinks about me. Lifeís too short. Really.

Alan Shore: You look distressed. Your Guns and Ammo magazine late again?

Alan Shore: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. I have an urge announcement to make regarding National Security. I donít think our country is being run very well. That concludes the National Security announcement. Now! On to other business. Iím looking at a group of partners in a world class law firm. Each of whom owes some of their success to Jerry Espenson. When any of you is stumped and you need someone with an Encyclopedic knowledge of the law and the creative spark to know how to apply it, whoís door do you knock on?

Shirley Schmidt: Mr Shore, we appreciate your input but you are not a partner.

Alan Shore: Yes, but thatís only because I canít be trusted. I have here the confidential report on Jerry Espenson. Known to some of you who should know better as, Hands. Ah, this report while acknowledging, ah, the Jerry, ah, works very hard and has an astute legal mind also makes some veil references to inappropriate behavior. But really this is about money! Isnít it? And whether Jerry Espenson brings in enough? And donít we all just love our money? You people must realize that once the rainmakers have brought in the million-dollar accounts, those clients expect excellent representation for their money. And Jerry is a big part of what theyíre paying for. My God! Why isnít being brilliant enough? Why canít a lawyer be a valuable asset to this firm without being a smiling Ken-doll with an aggressive handshake? Does everyone at the firm have to be this guy?

Alan Shore: I said nothing when you fired Sally Heep, whoís only infraction was to sleep with me! I made not a peep when you deftly ushered Lori Colson out of the firm! I even understood when you fired Catherine Piper, a woman I profoundly adore! I swallowed all of it because I know itís a business. But to abuse a talented, selfless employee only because his social skills lack the polish! To allow him to work tirelessly under the delusion that he could make partner! A delusion you carefully nurtured so as to make piles of money off of him in the short term. Thatís a betrayal, Shirley. Not just of Jerry, but of you! And your character! Which up till now I have considered undeniably decent.

Shirley Schmidt: Are you finished?

Alan Shore: No. Jerry Espenson, no doubt, will go off quietly into the night as the meek often do. But somebody around here has to get angry about it. Otherwise youíll just go off and blithely do it again.

Shirley Schmidt: We have not yet made a decision concerning Jerry Espenson, when we do I will call you first to tell you, "It is none of your concern!"

Alan Shore: Thereís a saying Shirley, perhaps youíve heard it. ĎAll it takes for evil to succeed is for good people to say, "Itís a business."í

Daniel Post: Iíve been given a death sentence. Youíre the one person in this room that knows exactly what thatís like. And there was this drug. And I thought it could help me so I used all my power and my influences to make sure I got it. But I didnít think it through. I didnít think there might be consequences for other people. In this case, for you. And I see now that I hurt you. And I am sorry.

Denise Bauer: This is the offer. Itís the only one weíre going to make and it expires when we walk out the door.

Attorney Samantha Fried: This is a very generous offer. Think about your family.

Robert Hopper: I donít care.

Attorney Samantha Fried: This could be very long and drawn outÖ

Robert Hopper: Thatís exactly what it should be.

Daniel Post: What do you want?

Robert Hopper: If I take your money I wonít be hurting you. The only thing that will really hurt you now is if I take your time. And thatís exactly what Iím going to do.

Paul Lewiston: I need to talk to you.

Attorney Samantha Fried: Youíll talk to me.

Paul Lewiston: No I wonít. You have a wife. You have a family. You owe something to them but you also owe something to yourself. I know this road. Do not allow anger to consume the last days of your life.

Alan Shore: You donít wanna throw away an entire lifeís worth of work over one emotional outburst! I donít wanna see the most gifted legal mind I have ever encountered rotting in a prison cell. Now put down the knife, Jerry.

Jerry Espenson: On one condition. You represent me once Iím arrested.

Alan Shore: I canít. Thatís a conflict of interest.

Jerry Espenson: I donít care. You know that the firm can waive that conflict. And I know that youíll honor that waiver because, if nothing else, youíre a man of your word.

Shirley Schmidt: Make the deal.

Alan Shore: Iíll represent you. Now hand me the knife.

Denny Crane: Hmmm. Everyone! This is the cake I want for my birthday.