The One With The Monkey (110)

written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
ROSS: Guys? There's a somebody I'd like you to meet.

ALL: Oooh!

MONICA: W-wait. What is that?

ROSS: 'That' would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?

MONICA: No, no, I don't.

RACHEL: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?

ROSS: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.

PHOEBE: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?

CHANDLER: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!

MONICA: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?

ROSS: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...

MONICA: Why don't you just get a roommate?

ROSS: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- ...sorry, that's, that's 'pathet', which is Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live'.

PHOEBE: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.

CHANDLER: Might wanna open with the snowman.

RACHEL: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's? Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?

CHANDLER: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!

RACHEL: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.

PHOEBE: Yeah, you wish!

CHANDLER: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.

ALL: Yeah, okay. Alright.

CHANDLER: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.

ALL: Woooo! Yeah!

PHOEBE: Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year.

I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin',
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
La lalala la la la la lalala la la...

RACHEL: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?

ROSS: Just a smidge.

PHOEBE: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...

CHANDLER: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact.

PHOEBE: No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?

CHANDLER: Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.

MONICA: What?!

MONICA: Do you always have to bring him here?

ROSS: I didn't wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he- he threw some faeces...

CHANDLER: Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.

ROSS: Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favor to me.

CHANDLER: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

PHOEBE: Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?

DAVID: Uh, that's definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, 'cause it's you.


DAVID: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we've reached a place where it's just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I'm not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.

PHOEBE: Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.

DAVID: Rrrreally.

PHOEBE: Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.

DAVID: ... Now? Now?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, right now.

DAVID: Okay, okay, okay. Y'know what, this was just really expensive. And I'll take- this was a gift.

PHOEBE: Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.

DAVID: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?

PHOEBE: I can hop.

ROSS: So tell me something. What does the phrase 'no date pact' mean to you?

MONICA: I'm sorry, okay. It's just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.

CHANDLER: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?


JOEY: You know more than one Fun Bobby?

CHANDLER: I happen to know a Fun Bob.

PHOEBE: Getting so good at that!

DAVID: It was Max's stuff.

MONICA: That thing is not coming in here.

ROSS: 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?

MONICA: I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.

ROSS: Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...

SANDY: Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.

JOEY: Wow, that's, uh, dirty.

SANDY: Yeah.

PHOEBE: You're going to Minsk.

DAVID: No, I'm... not going to Minsk.

PHOEBE: Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.

DAVID: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can't break up with you.

PHOEBE: Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say 'No! No! I can't understand that!'.

DAVID: Uh, ow.

PHOEBE: Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.

DAVID: I'll never forget you.

PHOEBE: And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy.

ROSS: I wanted this to work so much. I mean I'm still in there, changing his diapers, pickin' his fleas... but he's just phoning it in. Just so hard to accept the fact that something you love so much doesn't love you back.

RACHEL: ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.

transcribed by guineapig