The One With Phoebe's Uterus (411)
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Season 1 Where Monica Gets A New Roomate With The Sonogram At The End With The Thumb With George Stephanoloulos With The East German Laundry Detergent With The Butt With The Blackout Where Nana Dies Twice Where Underdog Gets Away With The Monkey With Mrs.Bing With The Dozen Lasagnes With The Boobies With The Candy Hearts With The Stoned Guy With Two Parts, Part 1 With Two Parts, Part 2 With All The Poker Where The Monkey Gets Away With The Evil Orthodontist With The Fake Monica With The Ick Factor With The Birth Where Rachel Finds Out Season 2 With Ross' New Girlfriend With The Breast Milk Where Heckles Dies With Phoebe's Husband With Five Steaks And An Eggplant With The Baby On The Bus Where Ross Finds Out With The List With Phoebe's Dad With Russ With The Lesbian Wedding After The Superbowl, Part 1 After The Superbowl, Part 2 With The Prom Video Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Where Joey Moves Out Where Eddie Moves In Where Dr.Remore Dies Where Eddie Won't Go Where Old Yeller Dies With The Two Bullies With The Two Parties With The Chickenpox With Barry And Mindy's Wedding Season 3 With The Princess Leia Fantasy Where No-One's Ready With The Jam With The Metaphorical Tunnel With Frank Jnr With The Flashback With The Race Car Bed With The Giant Poking Device With The Football Where Rachel Quits Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister With All The Jealousy Where Monica And Richard Are Friends With Phoebe's Ex-Partner Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break With The Morning After With The Ski Trip With The Hypnosis Tape With The Tiny T-Shirt With The Dollhouse With The Chick and the Duck With The Screamer With Ross's Thing With The Ultimate Fighting Champion At The Beach Season 4 With The Jellyfish With The Cat With The 'Cuffs With The Ballroom Dancing With Joey's New Girlfriend With The Dirty Girl Where Chandler Crosses The Line With Chandler In A Box Where They're Gonna Party! With The Girl From Poughkeepsie With Phoebe's Uterus With The Embryos With Rachel's Crush With Joey's Dirty Day With All The Rugby With The Fake Party With The Free Porn With Rachel's New Dress With All The Haste With All The Wedding Dresses With The Invitation With The Worst Best Man Ever With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II Season 5 After Ross Said Rachel With All The Kissing Hundredth Where Phoebe Hates PBS With All The Kips With The Yeti Where Ross Moves In With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks With Ross's Sandwich With The Inappropriate Sister With All The Resolutions With Chandler's Work Laugh With Joey's Bag Where Everyone Finds Out With The Girl Who Hits Joey With A Cop With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss Where Rachel Smokes Where Ross Can't Flirt With The Ride Along With The Ball With Joey's Big Break In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode) Season 6 After Vegas Where Ross Hugs Rachel With Ross's Denial Where Joey Loses His Insurance With Joey's Porsche With The Last Night Where Phoebe Runs With Ross's Teeth Where Ross Got High With The Routine With The Apothecary Table With The Joke With Rachels Sister Where Chandler Can't Cry That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2) With The Unagi Where Ross Dates A Student With Joey's Fridge With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad Where Paul's The Man With The Ring With The Proposal(Season Finale) With Monica\'s Thunder With Rachel's Book With Phoebe's Cookies With Rachel's Assistant With The Engagement Picture With The Nap Partners With Ross's Library Book Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs With All The Candy With The Holiday Armadilio With All The Cheesecakes Where They're Up All Night Where Rosita Dies Where They All Turn Thirty With Joey's New Brain With The Truth About London With The Cheap Wedding Dress With Joey's Award With Ross and Monica's Cousin With Rachel's Big Kiss With The Vows With Chandler's Dad Season 8 After 'I Do' With The Red Sweater Where Rachel Tells... With The Videotape With Rachel's Date With The Halloween Party |
PHOEBE: My little brother is married! FRANK JR: I know! PHOEBE: You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping? FRANK JR: Well, what happened was, we were at the courthouse, and we were having lunch... PHOEBE: Wait, wait. Why were you at the courthouse? FRANK JR: We were having lunch. Yeah, and then, all of a sudden, we were like, "We're here, we're having lunch, let's get married, right!" PHOEBE: So, ooh, I'm going to get you a gift now. Is there anything you need? FRANK JR: Uh, yeah. ALICE: We've been trying to get pregnant, uh, pretty much ever since we got engaged. We thought we'd get a jump on things. You know, no one's getting any younger. FRANK JR: 'cause the thing is, uh, we're not able to, you know, uh, conceive, you know. ALICE: We've tried everything; we've seen a bunch of doctors. FRANK JR: Yeah, and they say, they say that our only chance to have a baby is if they take my sperm, her egg, and put it together in a dish, and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into. PHOEBE: That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of, like, a gravy boat. CHANDLER: So what job did you get Joe? JOEY: Oh, tour guide at the Museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me. RACHEL: Don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something? JOEY: No, not really. They give you all the information. It's like memorizing a script. "And on your left, you have Tyrannsoarus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period." CHANDLER, MONICA and RACHEL: Nice, all right, yeah! ROSS: Uh, actually Joey, it's the Cretaceous period. JOEY: Yeah, but I can pronounce "Jurassic". PHOEBE: Guess what? Frank Jr. and Alice got married. ALL: Wow, that's great! PHOEBE: And they're going to have a baby! ALL: Wow, that's great! PHOEBE: Yeah! And they want me to grow it for them in my uterus. ROSS: Oh my God. MONICA: Are you serious? PHOEBE: Yeah. JOEY: You're really thinking of having sex with your brother? PHOEBE: Eww! And no, no! They want me to be the surrogate. It's her egg and his sperm. I'm just the oven. It's totally their bun. JOEY: Oh. MONICA: What did you tell them? PHOEBE: Well, they said I had to think about it first. But what is there to think of? I'm going to be giving someone the greatest gift you can possibly give. CHANDLER: You're going to carry their child and get them a Sony Playstation? CHANDLER: Well, Kathy's last girlfriend was Joey. ROSS: And you're afraid you won't be able to 'fill his shoes'. CHANDLER: No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him. ROSS: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor. CHANDLER: Yes and I was saying the actual words. MONICA: Big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's good in bed. CHANDLER: We share a wall. So either he's great in bed or she just liked to agree with him a lot. MONICA: Sweetie, with you it's going to be different. The sex is going to be great 'cause you guys are in love. CHANDLER: Yeah? RACHEL: Yeah. ROSS: Just go for it Chandler. MONICA and RACHEL: Yeah, you should. CHANDLER: All right, all right, I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys. JOEY: Okay, now the Mastadon is from the semi-late Jurassic period. KID: Isn't the Mastadon from the Pliocene Epoch? JOEY: Shhhh. This is a museum. No talking. JOEY: Oh, uh, would you mind sitting here? I'm saving this seat for my friend Ross. RHONDA: You mean Dr. Geller? JOEY: Doctor? I didn't know he had a nickname. ROSS: Hey. Listen, I'm really really sorry about what happened today in the cafeteria. JOEY: It's no big deal you know. You do what you gotta do, right? ROSS: It's not just me. The scientists and the tour guides never sit together. JOEY: Whatever. ROSS: It's like that everywhere Joey. Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work, the waiters eat with the other waiters and the chefs eat with the other chefs, right? MONICA: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me. MONICA: So, did you do it? CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we had the sex. MONICA: Uh-oh, was it bad? CHANDLER: It was fine, you know, but she didn't agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, uh, "Oh, I see your point. I'm all right with it." CHANDLER: Look, you have to help me, okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman. I know where everything goes. It's always... nice. But I need to know what makes it go from "nice" to "My God, somebody's killing her in there!" MONICA: All right, I'm going to show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, hand me that pad over there. All right. Now... CHANDLER: You don't have to draw an actual wo -- Woah, she' hot. MONICA: Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got, one, two, three, four five, six, and seven. CHANDLER: There are seven? RACHEL: Let me see that. Oh yeah. CHANDLER: That's one? MONICA: Kind of an important one. CHANDLER: Oh, you know what, I was looking at it upside down. RACHEL: Well, you know, sometimes that helps. MONICA: Okay, now, most guys will hit one, two, and three and then go to seven and set up camp. CHANDLER: And that's bad? RACHEL: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn. CHANDLER: Well you might if it were anything like seven. MONICA: All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. You got to keep them on their toes. RACHEL: Oh, TOES!! Yeah, for some people. MONICA: Okay, you could, uh, start with a little one; a two; a one, two, three; a three; a five; a four, a three-two; a two, a two-four-six; two-four-six; four a two; two; four-seven; five-seven; six-seven; seven, seven, SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN! SCIENTIST #1: Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here. ROSS: Thank you Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table in the middle. I'm having my lunch right here with my good friend Joey, if he'll sit with me. JOEY: I will sit with you Dr. Geller. ROSS: You know, we work in the Museum of Natural History, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and you know what I see? I see division. Division between people with white coats and people in blue blazers. And I ask, myself, my God, WHY? Now I say, we shed these coats that separate us and get to know the people underneath. I'm Ross. I'm divorced, and I have a kid. JOEY: I'm Joey. I'm an actor. I don't know squat about dinosaurs. TOUR GUIDE #1: I'm Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me. ROSS: All right, there you go. JOEY: You hang in there Ted! SCIENTIST #1: I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear. ROSS: Okay, okay, good for you. TOUR GUIDE #2: I'm Rhonda, and these aren't real! ROSS: Oh, uh, er, Wow, Rhonda. SCIENTIST #2: I'm Scott. ROSS: Ah, okay Scott! SCOTT: I have to turn the light switch on and off seventeen times before leaving a room or my family will die. MOM: What's going on? PHOEBE: Oh, I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I'm going to carry their baby. MOM: Phoebe... PHOEBE: No, no, I know. You and I are totally different people. And this is a totally different situation. And I know that I'm not going to regret this. MOM: No, I know. I understand all that. It's just...that was my puppy. PHOEBE: Oh! MONICA: Would you surrogate? RACHEL: Depends who asked. MONICA: What if I asked? RACHEL: Oh, Mon. Sure. MONICA: Really? RACHEL: Yes. RACHEL: You're not asking me, are you? MONICA: No. RACHEL: Yes, totally.
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transcribed by Eric Aasen
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