The One With Phoebe's Uterus (411)

written by Seth Kurkland

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PHOEBE: My little brother is married!

FRANK JR: I know!

PHOEBE: You guys, why didn't you tell me you were eloping?

FRANK JR: Well, what happened was, we were at the courthouse, and we were having lunch...

PHOEBE: Wait, wait. Why were you at the courthouse?

FRANK JR: We were having lunch. Yeah, and then, all of a sudden, we were like, "We're here, we're having lunch, let's get married, right!"

PHOEBE: So, ooh, I'm going to get you a gift now. Is there anything you need?

FRANK JR: Uh, yeah.

ALICE: We've been trying to get pregnant, uh, pretty much ever since we got engaged. We thought we'd get a jump on things. You know, no one's getting any younger.

FRANK JR: 'cause the thing is, uh, we're not able to, you know, uh, conceive, you know.

ALICE: We've tried everything; we've seen a bunch of doctors.

FRANK JR: Yeah, and they say, they say that our only chance to have a baby is if they take my sperm, her egg, and put it together in a dish, and then put it into another girl. So we were wondering if you could be the girl that we could put it into.

PHOEBE: That's a really nice gift. I was thinking of, like, a gravy boat.

CHANDLER: So what job did you get Joe?

JOEY: Oh, tour guide at the Museum. Yeah, Ross got it for me.

RACHEL: Don't you have to be a dinosaur expert or something?

JOEY: No, not really. They give you all the information. It's like memorizing a script. "And on your left, you have Tyrannsoarus Rex, a carnivore from the Jurassic period."

CHANDLER, MONICA and RACHEL: Nice, all right, yeah!

ROSS: Uh, actually Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.

JOEY: Yeah, but I can pronounce "Jurassic".

PHOEBE: Guess what? Frank Jr. and Alice got married.

ALL: Wow, that's great!

PHOEBE: And they're going to have a baby!

ALL: Wow, that's great!

PHOEBE: Yeah! And they want me to grow it for them in my uterus.

ROSS: Oh my God.

MONICA: Are you serious?


JOEY: You're really thinking of having sex with your brother?

PHOEBE: Eww! And no, no! They want me to be the surrogate. It's her egg and his sperm. I'm just the oven. It's totally their bun.


MONICA: What did you tell them?

PHOEBE: Well, they said I had to think about it first. But what is there to think of? I'm going to be giving someone the greatest gift you can possibly give.

CHANDLER: You're going to carry their child and get them a Sony Playstation?

CHANDLER: Well, Kathy's last girlfriend was Joey.

ROSS: And you're afraid you won't be able to 'fill his shoes'.

CHANDLER: No, I'm afraid I won't be able to make love as well as him.

ROSS: Yeah, I was going for the metaphor.

CHANDLER: Yes and I was saying the actual words.

MONICA: Big deal, so Joey's had a lot of girlfriends. That doesn't mean he's good in bed.

CHANDLER: We share a wall. So either he's great in bed or she just liked to agree with him a lot.

MONICA: Sweetie, with you it's going to be different. The sex is going to be great 'cause you guys are in love.



ROSS: Just go for it Chandler.

MONICA and RACHEL: Yeah, you should.

CHANDLER: All right, all right, I'll sleep with my girlfriend. But I'm just doing it for you guys.

JOEY: Okay, now the Mastadon is from the semi-late Jurassic period.

KID: Isn't the Mastadon from the Pliocene Epoch?

JOEY: Shhhh. This is a museum. No talking.

JOEY: Oh, uh, would you mind sitting here? I'm saving this seat for my friend Ross.

RHONDA: You mean Dr. Geller?

JOEY: Doctor? I didn't know he had a nickname.

ROSS: Hey. Listen, I'm really really sorry about what happened today in the cafeteria.

JOEY: It's no big deal you know. You do what you gotta do, right?

ROSS: It's not just me. The scientists and the tour guides never sit together.

JOEY: Whatever.

ROSS: It's like that everywhere Joey. Okay, Mon, back me up here. Where you work, the waiters eat with the other waiters and the chefs eat with the other chefs, right?

MONICA: I eat by myself in the alley because everybody hates me.

MONICA: So, did you do it?

CHANDLER: Yes, yes, we had the sex.

MONICA: Uh-oh, was it bad?

CHANDLER: It was fine, you know, but she didn't agree with me as strongly as she agreed with Joey. She was more like, uh, "Oh, I see your point. I'm all right with it."

CHANDLER: Look, you have to help me, okay? I mean, I know what to do with a woman. I know where everything goes. It's always... nice. But I need to know what makes it go from "nice" to "My God, somebody's killing her in there!"

MONICA: All right, I'm going to show you something a lot of guys don't know. Rach, hand me that pad over there. All right. Now...

CHANDLER: You don't have to draw an actual wo -- Woah, she' hot.

MONICA: Now, everybody knows the basic erogenous zones. You got, one, two, three, four five, six, and seven.

CHANDLER: There are seven?

RACHEL: Let me see that. Oh yeah.

CHANDLER: That's one?

MONICA: Kind of an important one.

CHANDLER: Oh, you know what, I was looking at it upside down.

RACHEL: Well, you know, sometimes that helps. MONICA: Okay, now, most guys will hit one, two, and three and then go to seven and set up camp.

CHANDLER: And that's bad?

RACHEL: Well, if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Matterhorn.

CHANDLER: Well you might if it were anything like seven.

MONICA: All right, uh the important thing is to take your time. You want to hit them all and you want to mix them up. You got to keep them on their toes.

RACHEL: Oh, TOES!! Yeah, for some people.

MONICA: Okay, you could, uh, start with a little one; a two; a one, two, three; a three; a five; a four, a three-two; a two, a two-four-six; two-four-six; four a two; two; four-seven; five-seven; six-seven; seven, seven, SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN-SEVEN!

SCIENTIST #1: Dr. Geller, there's a seat over here.

ROSS: Thank you Dr. Phillips, but I'm having my lunch at this table in the middle. I'm having my lunch right here with my good friend Joey, if he'll sit with me.

JOEY: I will sit with you Dr. Geller.

ROSS: You know, we work in the Museum of Natural History, and yet there is something unnatural about the way we eat lunch. Now, I look around this cafeteria, and you know what I see? I see division. Division between people with white coats and people in blue blazers. And I ask, myself, my God, WHY? Now I say, we shed these coats that separate us and get to know the people underneath. I'm Ross. I'm divorced, and I have a kid.

JOEY: I'm Joey. I'm an actor. I don't know squat about dinosaurs.

TOUR GUIDE #1: I'm Ted, and I just moved here a month ago, and New York really scares me.

ROSS: All right, there you go.

JOEY: You hang in there Ted!

SCIENTIST #1: I'm Andrew, and I didn't pay for this pear.

ROSS: Okay, okay, good for you.

TOUR GUIDE #2: I'm Rhonda, and these aren't real!

ROSS: Oh, uh, er, Wow, Rhonda.

SCIENTIST #2: I'm Scott.

ROSS: Ah, okay Scott!

SCOTT: I have to turn the light switch on and off seventeen times before leaving a room or my family will die.

MOM: What's going on?

PHOEBE: Oh, I gave them the puppy and it made them so happy that I decided I'm going to carry their baby.

MOM: Phoebe...

PHOEBE: No, no, I know. You and I are totally different people. And this is a totally different situation. And I know that I'm not going to regret this.

MOM: No, I know. I understand all that. It's just...that was my puppy.


MONICA: Would you surrogate?

RACHEL: Depends who asked.

MONICA: What if I asked?

RACHEL: Oh, Mon. Sure.

MONICA: Really?


RACHEL: You're not asking me, are you?


RACHEL: Yes, totally.

transcribed by Eric Aasen