The One With The Fake Monica (121)

written by Adam Chase and Ira Ungerleider

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

MONICA: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!

RACHEL: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

MONICA: I know. It's just such reckless spending.

ROSS: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

CHANDLER: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

MONICA: That's me.

RACHEL: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.

MONICA: This woman's living my life.


MONICA: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.

RACHEL: You're not an artist.

MONICA: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.

RACHEL: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.

MONICA: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.

RACHEL: Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...

MONICA: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?

RACHEL: Nooo...

MONICA: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.

CHANDLER: How about Joey... Pepponi?

JOEY: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

CHANDLER: Joey... Switzerland?

JOEY: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. Which I'm not.

CHANDLER: Joe... Joe... Joe... Stalin?

JOEY: Stalin... Stalin... do I know that name? It sounds familiar.

CHANDLER: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...

JOEY: Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.

CHANDLER: Might wanna try Joseph.

JOEY: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!

CHANDLER: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.

FAKE MONICA: Hi. I'm Monica.

MONICA: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.


MONICA: Yeah. It's Dutch.

FAKE MONICA: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam.

MONICA: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.

JOEY: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!

CHANDLER: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?

ROSS: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.

JOEY: Isn't there any way you can keep him?

ROSS: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin', he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.

JOEY: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?

CHANDLER: I know that one! ... No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.

PHOEBE: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.


JOEY: Did you call the cops?

RACHEL: Nope. We took her to lunch.

CHANDLER: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.

ROSS: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.

MONICA: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this- with this amazing spirit.

ROSS: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

FAKE MONICA: I - I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?

MONICA: Uh-huh.

FAKE MONICA: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back'. And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.

MONICA: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.

JOEY: You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?

CHANDLER: You're kidding.

JOEY: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!

CHANDLER: Y'know, you'd think I would've.

JOEY: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?

PHOEBE: ... Flame Boy.

ROSS: Where exactly is your zoo?

DR. BALDHARA: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?

ROSS: Yes.

DR. BALDHARA: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

ROSS: No no, he's, he's very docile.

DR. BALDHARA: Even if he were... cornered?

ROSS: Well I, I don't know. Why?

DR. BALDHARA: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

ROSS: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...

DR. BALDHARA: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

ROSS: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

DR. BALDHARA: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.

RACHEL: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.

MONICA: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.


MONICA: They've arrested Monica.

MONICA: How are you?

FAKE MONICA: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How - how did you know I was here?

MONICA: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.

FAKE MONICA: That I was not expecting.

MONICA: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.

FAKE MONICA: Oh. Thanks.

MONICA: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theatre!

FAKE MONICA: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.

MONICA: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

FAKE MONICA: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?

MONICA: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.

PHOEBE: Okay. Goodbye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the 'plane.

ROSS: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.


CHANDLER: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.

JOEY: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.

ROSS: Just, just say what you feel.

JOEY: Marcel, I'm hungry.

ROSS: That was good.

ACTOR: Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...

CASTING DIRECTOR #1: That's fine, thank you.


JOEY: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.


JOEY: Holden McGroin.

transcribed by guineapig