The One With The Free Porn (417)

written by Mark J. Kunerth, Richard Goodman

JOEY: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must've hit something on the remote.

CHANDLER: Do we pay for this?

JOEY: No, we didn't even pay our cable bill maybe this is how they punish us.

CHANDLER: Maybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill free phone sex.

JOEY: Maybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill?

MR. TREEGER: Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.

CHANDLER: Yeah,

JOEY: just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!

MR. TREEGER: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.

CHANDLER: Like finding money with naked people on it!

MR. TREEGER: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I'm sad.

JOEY: Why would he turn off the TV?

MONICA: You've got to see her again.

ROSS: And why do you care so much?

MONICA: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!

ROSS: You had fantasies about Emily?

MONICA: No! Y'know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.

ROSS: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?

MONICA: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!

THE DOCTOR: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?

PHOEBE: Why don't take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I'll hold onto your card, okay?

THE DOCTOR: No, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.

PHOEBE: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one!

THE DOCTOR: Doctors are wrong all the time.

PHOEBE: Well, yeah.

RACHEL: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!

THE DOCTOR: Definitely.

PHOEBE: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I'm going to have three full grown babies just walkin' around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it's gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!

THE DOCTOR: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn't that different from giving birth to one.

PHOEBE: What do you know?!

ALICE: Hi! So, how did it go at the doctors?

PHOEBE: Oh well, okay, hey, y'know how when you're umm, you're walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that's nice?"

FRANK: Yes.

PHOEBE: Okay, yeah well, good news, you're going to have three babies.

ALICE: Three babies?

FRANK: I finally got my band!

PHOEBE: Oh God, I'm so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.

FRANK: Why would we be freaked?

PHOEBE: No, no maybe 'cause it's harder to raise them, and the added expense, and....

FRANK: Oh.

ALICE: Right.

PHOEBE: No, back to happy. Back to happy!

ALICE: No-no-no, no, it's going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y'know it'll-it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.

FRANK: Yeah, I've been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.

ALICE: No, Frank.

PHOEBE: No you can't quit college! No! You're in college? Really?

FRANK: Yeah, refrigerator college.

ALICE: Yeah.

FRANK: Yeah, y'know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y'know I figured y'know like I should y'know have like a career and I love refrigerators!

RACHEL: What's that song? It has been in my head all day long.

CHANDLER: It's the theme from Good Will Humping.

RACHEL: Y'know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.

JOEY: Yeah right.

RACHEL: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.

CHANDLER: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?

RACHEL: Yes!

JOEY: Yeah, he likes porn.

MONICA: Ohh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?

ROSS: I did.

MONICA: And well, what did she say?

ROSS: Thank you.

MONICA: Oh, you're totally welcome! What'd she say?

ROSS: She said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."

CHANDLER: Whoa-whoa, wait a minute, did you say, you love her?

JOEY: Yeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!

ROSS: What do I do now?

JOEY: You play hard to get.

ROSS: She already lives in London.

JOEY: Then you go to Tokyo.

RACHEL: Well, what-what 'cha got there?

PHOEBE: Oh this, well I'm glad you asked. Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? Ahh! Now, I know what you're thinking...

CHANDLER: Pregnant Woman Slays Four?

MONICA: Phoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?

PHOEBE: No!

MONICA: Are you sure?

PHOEBE: No!

RACHEL: Honey, you're not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.

PHOEBE: No-no, I know that, but I just have to make enough money for the second part of my plan.

CHANDLER: What's the second part of your plan?

PHOEBE: My Saturn dealership.

PHOEBE: Ooh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I'm gonna open up my own massage place and Frank's gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn't have to quit school!

MONICA: That's sounds great, but how are you going to afford it?

RACHEL: Well, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realised...

PHOEBE: I'm telling it! I'm telling it!

RACHEL: Okay.

PHOEBE: Okay. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to help them relax so I just figured we could combine the two, okay, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I've got?

CHANDLER: A place where no one will ever get out alive?

PHOEBE: No! Think about it, it's a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it's...

RACHEL: Relaxi-Taxi!

PHOEBE: The name was my favourite part!

RACHEL: Well, well I came up with it!

PHOEBE: YOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That's not good.

PHOEBE: Hey, tell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that's better than Relaxi Cab.

RACHEL: Okay, it's not Relaxi Cab. It's Relaxicab, like taxicab.

PHOEBE: Oh, that is better.

CHANDLER: Are we in London?

EMILY: Ross, are you there? Ross, I don't know if you can hear this but, I'm gonna talk anyway, uh, I'm in the States with your sister and your friends and it's all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you. Yes,

JOEY: you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you that I love you.

ROSS: I love you too! I'm, I'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth! You can't hear me.

EMILY: I wish I could know if you'd heard any of that. I suppose I've either just told you I love you or given my neighbours a good laugh. Mrs. Newman if you're listening, bugger off this in none of your business. I suppose there's not much chance you did heard that, and there's the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. Hello.

ROSS: Hi.

EMILY: Ross, I love you!

ROSS: Ohh! Thank you.

CHANDLER: Hey.

JOEY: Hey.

CHANDLER: I was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.

JOEY: Same kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy come over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!

CHANDLER: What, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"

JOEY: Noo! Nothing!

CHANDLER: Y'know what, we have to turn off the porn.

JOEY: I think you're right.

CHANDLER: All right, ready?

JOEY: One.

CHANDLER: Two.

BOTH: Three.

JOEY: That's kinda nice.

CHANDLER: Yeah, that's kinda a relief.

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: You wanna see if we still have it?

JOEY: Yeah.

CHANDLER: FREE PORN!!!

JOEY: Yeah!!

CHANDLER: We have free porn here!!!