The One With The List (208)

written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane

MONICA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

RACHEL: It was unbelievable!

MONICA: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!

PHOEBE: Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?

PHOEBE: Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?

RACHEL: Well, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, god, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

PHOEBE: Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?

RACHEL: No, actually first they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.

PHOEBE & MONICA: Ohhhh.

ROSS: And, uh, and then I kissed her.

JOEY: Tongue?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Cool.

CHANDLER: All right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.

PHOEBE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?

CHANDLER: Games and stuff.

MONICA: There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.

JOEY: Wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?

MONICA: There's an ad for a naked chef?

JOEY: No, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then...

PHOEBE: Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?

ROSS: That, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful

MONICA: Wait a minute. I thought last night was great.

ROSS: Yeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my god, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?

JOEY: You got all that from saline solution?

PHOEBE: Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night". There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!

MONICA: So, Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.

MR. RASTATTER: Mockolate.

MONICA: I'm sorry?

MR. RASTATTER: Mockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.

MR. RASTATTER: Aren't you going to swallow that?

MONICA: Just waiting for it to stop bubbling.

ROSS: I don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.

CHANDLER: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross.

CHANDLER: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.

JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.

CHANDLER: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.

ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?

CHANDLER: No, Amish boy.

JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.

ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.

JOEY: You could say that.

ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.

CHANDLER: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?

ROSS: I don't know.

JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.

CHANDLER: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?

ROSS: She's not Rachel.

MONICA: Ok, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.

RACHEL: Oh my god.

MONICA: Oh my god good?

RACHEL: Oh my god, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh sweet lord! This is what evil must taste like!

RACHEL: All right, you know what, that's fine. If you guys want to be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. What is this? Ross, what is this?

CHANDLER: Good luck.

ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?

RACHEL: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?

ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.

RACHEL: Just a waitress?

ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rache?

RACHEL: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!

ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.

RACHEL: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.

CHANDLER: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.

MONICA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.

PHOEBE: I, I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.

JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.

PHOEBE & MONICA : What?

CHANDLER: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.

MONICA: This was your idea?

PHOEBE: What were you thinking?

CHANDLER: All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.

MONICA: Yeah. You!

CHANDLER: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?

PHOEBE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

RACHEL: No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.

ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.

RACHEL: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. I said don't go!

ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.

RACHEL: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.

MONICA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.

MR. RASTATTER: Doesn't matter.

MONICA: What?

MR. RASTATTER: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.

MONICA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

MR. RASTATTER: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?

MONICA: Well, uh, I ate some.

MR. RASTATTER: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

MONICA: Hello?

ROSS: Hi.

RACHEL: Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.

MONICA: Listen, I, I don't think this is the best time.

ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?

MONICA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. Music?

RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You) Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.

MR. RASTATTER: Hi, thanks for coming in again.

MONICA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.

MR. RASTATTER: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?

MONICA: Cat hair.

MR. RASTATTER: Oh, sorry.