The One With Five Steaks And An Eggplant (205)

written by Chris Brown

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JADE: So, are we gonna get together or what?

CHANDLER: Um, absolutely. Uh, how 'bout tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?

JADE: Great, I'll see you then.

CHANDLER: Ok. Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.

ROSS: Even though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinkin' when she sees you tomorow, she's probably gonna realize, "hey, you're not Bob."

CHANDLER: I'm hoping that when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.

ROSS: Oh my god. You are pure evil.

CHANDLER: Ok, pure evil, horny and alone. I've done this.

CHANDLER: Ok, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.

PHOEBE: Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?

RACHEL: So uh, what are you guys doing for dinner tonight?

JOEY: Well I guess I gotta start savin' up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.

PHOEBE: Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?

RACHEL: Do you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?

JOEY: Yes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.

PHOEBE: Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.

JOEY: For Ross.

RACHEL: For Ross, Ross, Ross.

MONICA: I'm at work, ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, saute, saute, saute. All of a sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. It turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.

JOEY: If it's not you, this is a horrible story.

MONICA: Fortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Ross and Chandler downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, someplace nice.

JOEY: Yeah, some place nice. How much do you think I can get for my kidney?

ROSS: I'm tellin' you. You can't do this.

CHANDLER: Oh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.

ROSS: That doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.

CHANDLER: We don't know Bob, ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.

ROSS: Ok, ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef--

MONICA: Who is also in charge of purchasing.

ROSS: Newly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing--

MONICA: Who has her own little desk when Roland's not there.

ROSS: Uh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister--

WAITER: Are we ready to order?

RACHEL: Oh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.

WAITER: Well, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.

PHOEBE: Wow, look at these prices.

RACHEL: Yeah, these are pretty ch-ching.

JOEY: What are these, like famous chickens?

WAITER: Do I dare ask?

MONICA: Yes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.

ROSS: That sounds great. Same for me.

WAITER: And for the gentleman?

JOEY: Yeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?

WAITER: You'd think, wouldn't you?.....Miss?

RACHEL: Ok, I will have the uh, side salad.

WAITER: And what will that be on the side of?

RACHEL: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

WAITER: And for you?

PHOEBE: Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.

CHANDLER: I will have the uh, Cajun catfish.

WAITER: Anything else?

CHANDLER: Yes, how 'bout a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?

ROSS: I, I just never think of money as an issue.

RACHEL: That's 'cause you have it.

ROSS: That's a good point.

ROSS: Chandler!


ROSS: Geez! Are you ready?

CHANDLER: Yeah. Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.

ROSS: Whoa! You had sex today?

CHANDLER: Wow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.

ROSS: Wow.

CHANDLER: Now I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.

JADE: Hey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.

CHANDLER: Bob here.

JADE: Oh, hi.

CHANDLER: So, uh, you met someone, huh?

JADE: Yes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago.

CHANDLER: So, uh, how was he?



JADE: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.

CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good.

CHANDLER: I don't know what to say. I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.

JOEY: And we don't work hard?

CHANDLER: I'm just saying that sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.

JOEY: And you feel like we hold you back.


WAITRESS: Here's your check. That'll be $4.12.

JOEY: Let me get that. You got five bucks?

transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips, Dan Silverstein