The One With Ross's Thing (323)

written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: Hey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.

CHANDLER: Or... Dick.

PHOEBE: Okay, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music.

VINCE: Good deal.

PHOEBE: Yeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince the people.




PHOEBE: Vince is a fireman.

RACHEL: Wow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?

VINCE: 98 hot saves, highest in the force.

CHANDLER: Well, y'know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred.

RACHEL: Wow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher.

PHOEBE: Oh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight.

RACHEL: What-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.

PHOEBE: I know, I know! I'm like playing the field. Y'know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. Y'know? Y'know, this kind've like y'know oat-sowin', field-playin' juggler.

JOEY: So Pheebs, do they know about each other?

PHOEBE: Does a dog's lips move when he reads? Okay, no they don't.

MONICA: Pete's breaking up with me.

ALL: What?!

MONICA: I just checked my messages, and he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.


MONICA: Well that's it. People never say 'We need to talk' unless it's something bad.

JOEY: Whoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you.

MONICA: Really?!

JOEY: Yeah, maybe he just cheated on you.

ROSS: Th-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. Y'know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. Y'know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!

DR. RHODES: Take your shirt off, and let's see what we're dealing with here. What are you doing?

ROSS: Just showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.

DR. RHODES: Well that's not a third nipple.


DR. RHODES: First of all, it's on your ass.

MONICA: I gotta go water Pete's plants. Y'know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.

CHANDLER: Well, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If y'know what I mean.

JOEY: Or ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.

PHOEBE: ... and I-I can't take it! Y'know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.

RACHEL: Well honey, then why don't you break up with one of them?


JOEY: Whoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?

PHOEBE: Well, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.

RACHEL: So Pheebs, pick one of them.

MONICA: Yeah. Which one do you like more?

PHOEBE: Well, Vince is great, y'know 'cause, he's like a guy, guy. Y'know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly.

JOEY: Okay, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but Jason's really sensitive.

CHANDLER: Well sensitive is important, pick him.


JOEY: Oh sure, go with the sissy.

PHOEBE: Jason is not a sissy!

JOEY: Oh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler.

MONICA: Okay, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! Whoa! All right. Less lights! Bad lights! Lights go away! Oh, see you just need to find the right command.

ROSS: Yes, and the dimmer switch.

JOEY: Whoa! For a rich guy he's got, that's a pretty small TV.

MONICA: No-no-no, that's a video-phone.

RACHEL: Mon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, "Look how much money we've got!" Y'know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will like it.

MONICA: Would you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose.

CHANDLER: Yes, but this is Pete. Okay? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing.

PHOEBE: All right. I gotta go. I have break up with Vince.

CHANDLER: Oh, so you're going with the teacher, huh?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I like Vince a lot, y'know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, y'know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's just better than having just like a really, really, really nice butt. Jason! Definitely Jason! Okay, wish me luck!

ALL: Good luck!

PHOEBE: I'm telling you, if you want to take care of that thing, you should go to my herbal guy.

ROSS: Thank you, but I want to remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory.

PHOEBE: Hey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?

RACHEL: You didn't break up with that fireman?

PHOEBE: No, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.


PHOEBE: Yeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but y'know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.

MONICA: So then, are you going to dump Jason?

PHOEBE: Well, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and, Okay so Jason is sensitive, but now so's Vince. Plus, Vince has the body y'know? So, It's really just about the math.

PETE: So ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.

MONICA: Oh, right! I completely forgot about that.

PETE: Well ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life.


PETE: And I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.


PETE: There's one thing missing.

MONICA: What's that?

PETE: It's time for me to conquer the physical world.


PETE: Monica, I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion.

MONICA: You wanna what?!

PETE: I want to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states!

MONICA: What are you talking about?

PETE: Okay, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Gee Koon Doe and Brazilian street fighting, I've even had my own octagon training ring designed.

MONICA: And I suppose you used a ring designer for that.

PETE: Yeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?

MONICA: My parents will be so happy.

PHOEBE: Crazy underwear, creepin' up my butt. Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy underwear... Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. Okay, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show.

PHOEBE: Yeah, okay, I've-I've been dating both of you, and it's been really horrible. 'Cause y'know it's been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn't know how to chose, so... I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm terrible, I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible.

VINCE: Phoebe, Phoebe relax, it's okay. I mean we never said this was exclusive.

JASON: Yeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.

PHOEBE: Really?!

JASON: Yeah. I mean y'know, we haven't been going out that long. Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Huh.

VINCE: You haven't?

JASON: You have?

PHOEBE: Well, this is none of my business.

JASON: I-I can't believe this! You-you've slept with him?!

PHOEBE: Well, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.

JASON: Y'know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you.

PHOEBE: Well, that could've been really awkward.

VINCE: You made him a candle light dinner in the park?

PHOEBE: Yeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm gonna do that for you.

VINCE: Uh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area.

CHANDLER: Everything's gonna be all right. Okay, Dick?

GURU SAJ: Hello, I am Guru Saj. Whoa!! That's supposed to be a duck right? 'Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.

JOEY: Yeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it. Is there something you can do?

GURU SAJ: Hmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?

transcribed by Eric B Aasen