The One With Phoebe's Dad (209)
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Season 1 Where Monica Gets A New Roomate With The Sonogram At The End With The Thumb With George Stephanoloulos With The East German Laundry Detergent With The Butt With The Blackout Where Nana Dies Twice Where Underdog Gets Away With The Monkey With Mrs.Bing With The Dozen Lasagnes With The Boobies With The Candy Hearts With The Stoned Guy With Two Parts, Part 1 With Two Parts, Part 2 With All The Poker Where The Monkey Gets Away With The Evil Orthodontist With The Fake Monica With The Ick Factor With The Birth Where Rachel Finds Out Season 2 With Ross' New Girlfriend With The Breast Milk Where Heckles Dies With Phoebe's Husband With Five Steaks And An Eggplant With The Baby On The Bus Where Ross Finds Out With The List With Phoebe's Dad With Russ With The Lesbian Wedding After The Superbowl, Part 1 After The Superbowl, Part 2 With The Prom Video Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Where Joey Moves Out Where Eddie Moves In Where Dr.Remore Dies Where Eddie Won't Go Where Old Yeller Dies With The Two Bullies With The Two Parties With The Chickenpox With Barry And Mindy's Wedding Season 3 With The Princess Leia Fantasy Where No-One's Ready With The Jam With The Metaphorical Tunnel With Frank Jnr With The Flashback With The Race Car Bed With The Giant Poking Device With The Football Where Rachel Quits Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister With All The Jealousy Where Monica And Richard Are Friends With Phoebe's Ex-Partner Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break With The Morning After With The Ski Trip With The Hypnosis Tape With The Tiny T-Shirt With The Dollhouse With The Chick and the Duck With The Screamer With Ross's Thing With The Ultimate Fighting Champion At The Beach Season 4 With The Jellyfish With The Cat With The 'Cuffs With The Ballroom Dancing With Joey's New Girlfriend With The Dirty Girl Where Chandler Crosses The Line With Chandler In A Box Where They're Gonna Party! With The Girl From Poughkeepsie With Phoebe's Uterus With The Embryos With Rachel's Crush With Joey's Dirty Day With All The Rugby With The Fake Party With The Free Porn With Rachel's New Dress With All The Haste With All The Wedding Dresses With The Invitation With The Worst Best Man Ever |
PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the super this year? CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't wanna look bad. MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just made him homemade cookies. CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is. JOEY: You gave him cookies? MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies says someone really cares... Alright, we're broke, but cookies do say that. PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick. JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas already. Ya know, I mean, one day your eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-layin'. ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little present. I'll open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh. Walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, everyone knows it's... just a big spring. Alright, you still mad at me becuase of the whole... RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of reasons not to be with me? ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call it the 'unfortunate incident'? Hey Gunther, you got stairs in your place? GUNTHER: Yeah. ROSS: Here, go nuts. PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture of my dad. CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy that comes in the frame. PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you. RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was in prison. PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born. RACHEL: How have you never been on Oprah? HOEBE: OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy. MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the frame guy posing in front of a bright blue screen with a collie. PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe. PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'? GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the phonebook. PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again? GRANDMOTHER: Oh. Oh, sure, sure, uh, uh, how come? PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um. GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. This is the one of you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a graduation... another graduation... another graduation. HOEBE: OK, is this really my father? GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa-- I can't... well of course it is. PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire. GRANDMOTHER: Look, I... PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me. GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your father, that's just a picture of a guy in a frame. PHOEBE: Oh God. GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to know your real father because it hurt her so much when he left, and, I didn't want to go along with it, but, well then she died and, and it was harder to argue with her. Not impossible, but harder. ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet? RACHEL: No, nothin'. MONICA: I hope she's OK. JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's goin' through. MONICA: How do you know exactly what she's going through? JOEY: She told us. RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think the mailman liked your cookies. Here are the ornaments your mom sent. MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked the cookies, we just didn't give him enough. JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you. ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you say I never seize the day? Well, alright, even though he's your super, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas. MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you anything. Here's five back. ROSS: No, no, no, that, that's your Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you think there's a chance you could fix that radiator now? MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday. MONICA: Ross. ROSS: Yeah. MONICA: Looks like he's playin' baseball. ROSS: You mean hardball? MONICA: Whatever. RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do? ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr. Treeger, here's another 50, happy Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the knob getting? MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right. MR. TREEGER: So, uh, is this, uh, mistletoe? RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that, that is basil. MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I was gonna kiss ya. RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil. CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot in here! JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the heat down? MONICA: Hey, we could have used that kind of thinkin' earlier. JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken so I just turned it off from underneath, I hope that's alright. JOEY: Rach, these are for you. RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a car. JOEY: No, but with this new car smell, you'll think you do. CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn. PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas? JOEY: Uh-huh. PHOEBE: You guuuyys. JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth. ROSS: You got me a cola drink? CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime. ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater. CHANDLER: And last but not least. JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure.
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transcribed by Josh Hodge, Dan Silverstein.
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