The One Where Eddie Moves In (217)

written by Adam Chase

RACHEL: Hey, nice pillow. So now tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

PHOEBE: Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.

JOEY: Thanks, yeah. I love this but ya know what, it makes me wanna pee.

PHOEBE: So why don't ya show us the rest of your casa?

JOEY: Yeah. Uh, oh, OH, the best part, c'mon. Heh?

RACHEL: Hey, nice toilet.

JOEY: No no no, behind it.

ROSS: Wha-, you have a phone in here?

JOEY: That's right, I have a phone in here.

MONICA: Joey, promise me something.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: Never call me from that phone.

RACHEL: Oh God. Ross, OK, if you care about me at all, you will get the pie out of the man's hood.

ROSS: Get the what?

RACHEL: Pie in the hood, pie in the hood. Go.

GUY: What're you doing?

ROSS: I'm sorry, my pie was, was in your hood. Now I just have to get the coffee out of that guy's pants and I'll be back in the hospital by 7.

MONICA: Damnit Ross, get your butt out of the bathroom.

ROSS: Calm down, I'm blow drying.

MONICA: Blow drying what, you have no hair.

CHANDLER: Listen, I'm, I'm sorry I didn't make it over there today.

JOEY: Oh, that's OK. You uh, you had a thing.

CHANDLER: Yeah well, I hear the place looks great.

JOEY: Ahh, forget about it, I'm havin' a ball. How's the apartment doin'

CHANDLER: Oh hey, it's, it's terriffic. I mean it's a regular space... fest.

JOEY: Well OK then. Was that the oven timer?

CHANDLER: That's right my friend. It's time for...

BOTH: Baywatch!!

JOEY: Oh, can you believe they gave Stephanie skin cancer?

CHANDLER: I still can't believe they promoted her to lieutenant.

JOEY: Naa, you're just sayin' that 'cause you're in love with Yasmine Bleeth.

CHANDLER: Well, how could anyone not be in love with Yasmine Bleeth?

JOEY: Hey, hey, they're runnin'

CHANDLER: See, this is the brilliance of the show. I say always keep them running. All the time, running. Run. Run Yasmine, run like the wind.

MONICA: But I thought you wanted to live by yourself.

JOEY: I did. I thought it'd be great. I figured I'd have like, time alone with my thoughts but, ya know, it turns out I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

ROSS: I'm telling you, there's no way he's moving back.

CHANDLER: But we had one of the greatest talks we ever had last night. I mean it was, it was like when we first started living together.

ROSS: Look, I know you don't want to hear this right now but, we've seen him in his new place, alright. And he's happy, he's, he's decorated.

RACHEL: Look, Chandler, he has moved on, OK, you have to too.

CHANDLER: But...

ROSS: No. You're just gonna have to accept the fact that you're just friends now, OK, you're not... roommates anymore.

PRODUCER: OK Phoebe, you ready to try one?

PHOEBE: OK. Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat - Oh woah, oh my God. I mean like, who was that?

PRODUCER:They're your backup singers... beind you.

PHOEBE: OH!! Oh I thought they were just watching me. You know, like at, like at an aquarium, ya know.

ROSS: No, there is no way he was a veloceraptor. No Tony, look at the cranial ridge, OK. If Dino was a veloceraptor, he would have eaten the Flintstones. Yeah, yeah.

MONICA: I can't believe he has a new roommate. Who is this guy?

ROSS: Uh, Eddie something. He just met him.

RACHEL: It'll never last, he's just a rebound roommate.

PHOEBE: Oh my God.

ROSS: I know.

PHOEBE: I sound amazing. I, I, I've never heard myself sing before. I mean, except in my own head. Oh, this is so cool, now I can hear what you hear.

RACHEL: Pretty uhm, different huh?

PHOEBE: Oh, I am sorry but I am incredibly talented.

JOEY: Morning. I just uh, came by to pick up my mail. Where's the mail?

CHANDLER: Oh it's uh, over there on the table.

JOEY: You don't keep it over here on this table any more?

CHANDLER: No, Eddie likes to keep it over there.

EDDIE: Alright, here you go my friend. Eggs a-la Eddie, huh?

CHANDLER: Oh, ooh.

JOEY: Huh.

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: No I just uh, thought you liked your eggs with the bread with the hole in the middle, a-la me.

JOEY: So how you two gettin' along?

CHANDLER: Oh, I couldn't be happier.

JOEY: Great, well, I'm happy for ya. Alright that's it. He just comes in here, Mr. Jonny Neweggs, with his, his, his movin' the mail and his, his 'see ya pals'. And now there's no juice. There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice. I need the juice.

CHANDLER: There's another carton right over there.

JOEY: Hey, this isn't about juice anymore, alright man.

CHANDLER: Alright, so what's it about?

JOEY: Eggs. Who's eggs do you like better, his or mine, huh?

CHANDLER: Well I like both eggs equally.

JOEY: Oh come on. Nobody likes two different kinds of eggs equally. You like one better than the other and I wanna know which.

CHANDLER: Well what's the difference? Your eggs aren't here anymore, are they? You took your eggs and you left. You really expect me to never find new eggs?

MONICA: I just can't stand you being here all the time.

ROSS: Why, why, why can't you stand me being here? I don't, I, we're just, ya know, we're just havin' fun.

MONICA: Fun? Fun, you think this is fun?

ROSS: Yeah, c'mon I mean I though, you know, I thought we're just foolin' around. Like when, uh, when we were kids.

MONICA: Ross, I hated you when we were kids.

ROSS: You hated me when we were kids?

MONICA: Yes. I hated you. I mean I, I, loved you in a 'you're my brother so I have to' kind of way, but basically, yeah, I hated your guts.

ROSS: Why did you hate me?

MONICA: Because, you were mean to me and you, you teased me and you always, always got your way.

ROSS: And that wasn't fun for you?

MONICA: Duh-huh!

ROSS: I can't believe you hated me.

MONICA: Now I love you. And not just 'cause I have to.

ROSS: Really?

MONICA: Yeah. You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

ROSS: I can do that.

MONICA: Then I won't have to kill you.

ROSS: So you wanna watch uh, Entertainment Tonight?

MONICA: Yeah, thanks. You know what?

ROSS: What?

MONICA: If you really want to watch that Serengetti thing, you can.

ROSS: Ohh... OK.

PHOEBE: Hey.

ALL: Hey.

PHOEBE: Listen. You are not going to believe this but, that is not me singing on the video.

ALL: No.

PHOEBE: Yes.

RACHEL: Well, how did you find out?

PHOEBE: Well, OK, the record company sent over this piece of paper for me to sign, saying that it's OK for someone else to sing for me. That was my first clue.

MONICA: So what're you gonna do?

PHOEBE: Well, I can't work with people who would do this.

MONICA: Sure.

PHOEBE: I mean this poor woman.

ROSS: What woman?

PHOEBE: The voice woman. Ya know, I mean, she has a great voice but she doesn't have a video.

RACHEL: OK, Phoebs. But what about you?

PHOEBE: Well I have a video, you have to pay attention. No this, this voice woman, she's so talented but, according to the producer people, they said she doesn't have like the right look or something, ya know. I mean, it's like, she's like one of those an imals at the pound who like nobody wants 'cause they're not pretty enough or you know. Like, like some old dog who's just kind of like stinky and. Huuuuh, oh my God, she's smelly cat. Oh, oh that song has so many levels.

CHANDLER: Hey Eddie, you uh, wanna play some foosball?

EDDIE: No thanks man, I'm not uh, I'm not really into sports.

CHANDLER: Yeah o-, OK, alright. Doesn't matter, time for Baywatch.

EDDIE: Y-, y-, you like that show?

CHANDLER: You don't like that show?

EDDIE: Wha-, n-, no. I mean it's just a bunch of pretty people runnin' around on the beach, ya know.

CHANDLER: Well that's the brilliance of it. The pretty people... and the running.

PHOEBE: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, what are they feeding you? Everybody.

ALL: Smelly cat, smell-ly cat, it's not your fault.

PHOEBE: Monica.

MONICA: They won't take you to the vet.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: You're obviously not their favorite pet.

MONICA: Joey.

JOEY: It may not be a bed of roses.

PHOEBE: Rachel.

RACHEL: And you're no friend to those with noses.

PHOEBE: Uh, Ross, those are the only lines we have, sorry. OK, you guys, once more.