The One With The Chick and the Duck (321)

written by Chris Brown

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
MONICA: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?

RACHEL: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?

MONICA: I mean this has been like my dream since I got my first Easy Bake Oven and opened Easy Monica's Bakery. I mean I would kill for this job. I mean I can totally do this job, and God knows I paid my dues. But Pete's just doing this because he has a crush on me.

RACHEL: And you're still not attracted to him at all?

MONICA: Hmm, no. I mean how can I accept a restaurant from him? I-I-I-I can't. I couldn't even accept a necklace from Stu Vincent in the seventh grade.

RACHEL: Yeah, but Mon that's totally different. He was your health teacher.

MONICA: Oh, please.

CHANDLER: So um, after you put the suggestion in the box, how long did it take for the roller skating thing to happen.

PHOEBE: Umm, oh, about three months.

CHANDLER: Okay, so I guess that's about ah, two weeks before the topless thing kicks in.

MONICA: I can't do it. I'm sorry, I wish I could, but umm, see you have these feelings for me...

PETE: Wait, wait, wait, wait, that's-that's what you're worried about? If that's the problem, we've got no problem.


PETE: No! Look, I was gonna tell you this over dinner, but I met somebody else. On my trip.


PETE: Her name's Ann, she's a journalist. Ahh, we met on the plane. She asked me if she could finish off my peanuts, I thought she said something else, we had a big laugh. Yeah, I just, I mean I got, I got tired of waiting.

MONICA: Oh, that's great! I mean I'm-I'm sorry, but I'm so happy for you. And now I can work for you!

PETE: I guess you can.

MONICA: Oh my God! Oh, this is incredible! Ohh! All right, y'know what? I'm just gonna roll right into that office and-and quit!

PHOEBE: Wow! That's exciting, you went to Japan, made up a woman.

PETE: What?

PHOEBE: I'm just saying, this woman, I mean she's fictitious. No?

PETE: Why would you say that?

PHOEBE: 'Cause you're still into Monica. So you told her there was somebody else so she would agree to work with you, so 'cause you figure oh if you spent a lot of time together, maybe something might happen, and...

PETE: You're good. You're good!

PHOEBE: Yeah, no, I'm fairly intuitive and psychic. It's a substantial gift.

PETE: Listen, can you promise me that you won't tell her though?

PHOEBE: Absolutely, oh I promise. Tell her what?

PETE: Thanks a lot.

PHOEBE: No I'm serious. I mean I'm intuitive, but my memory sucks.

JOEY: ... I got to go change, I'm ah, meeting some of the cast for drinks.

CHANDLER: Excuse me?

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: I stayed home from work today while you were at rehearsal so somebody could be here with our chick!

JOEY: Hey! Who was up from 2 o'clock this morning until 5 o'clock this morning trying to get her back to sleep?

CHANDLER: You don't think I get up when you get up?

JOEY: Ohhh, here it comes.

CHANDLER: Yes, here it comes! I'm stuck here all day, and then you come in and spend two seconds with us and then expect to go off gallivanting with your friends? Well I don't think so mister!

JOEY: Hey!!! I need to relax! Okay? I was working all day!

CHANDLER: And you don't think taking care of our chick is work?

JOEY: That's not what I said. Okay, I just meant...

CHANDLER: I know what you meant!!! You notice that ever since we got this chick, we've been fighting a lot more than we used too?

JOEY: I don't know, maybe we weren't ready to have a chick.

CHANDLER: I'll take her back tomorrow.

JOEY: Do you think we'll get our three bucks back?

ROSS: Okay, okay. Look, you have got to go to a doctor! Okay?

RACHEL: No. I have got to get ready and go to a dinner at my bosses house. It's a very big deal, there's a lot of people there I have to meet.

ROSS: And I'm sure you're gonna make a big impression. Hi! I'm Rachel Green. It's nice to meet you. Come on, you probably have a broken rib!

RACHEL: Well, I will go to the hospital tomorrow, it'll still be broken then.

ROSS: Rach...

RACHEL: But y'know, I could use a hand getting ready.

ROSS: Rachel...

RACHEL: Look, either help me or go.

ROSS: Fine. I'll go.

RACHEL: Okay, but before you go, could you help me first?

MONICA: Hey, guess what I'm doing tonight.


MONICA: I'm checking out the restaurant with Pete.

PHOEBE: Ohh, Monica, I am so excited for you.

MONICA: I know.

PHOEBE: Ooh, I have to tell you something.


PHOEBE: But I can't tell you.

MONICA: Okay, but wouldn't it be easier if you had to tell me something that you could tell me.

PHOEBE: Well, sure in a perfect world. But, no, I promised I wouldn't tell, and I swore to like all my gods.

MONICA: Okay. Does it have to do with Ross and Rachel?


MONICA: Does it have to do with Joey?


MONICA: Does it have to do with-with Chandler and that sock that he keeps by his bed?

PHOEBE: No, but let's come back to that later!

RACHEL: Oh wait, Ross, would you just stay and help me get dressed?

ROSS: Sure, okay.

RACHEL: Okay. Okay, great! Umm, okay, just turn around.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I don't want you to see me naked!

ROSS: Rachel, I've seen you naked a million times. I ate hot fudge off you naked. Remember, I-I sucked that mini-marshmallow out of your belly button?

RACHEL: Yeah, but that was different. Y'know? I mean, we were, we were going out then, now I think it's weird.

ROSS: Rach, y'know I can see you naked any time I want.


ROSS: All I have to do is close my eyes. See? (closes his eyes) Woo-hoo!!

RACHEL: Ross! Stop that!

ROSS: Ah, I'm sorry.

RACHEL: Come on! I don't want you thinking of me like that any more!

ROSS: Ahh, sorry, nothing you can do about it. It's one of my ah, rights as the ex-boyfriend. Oop, oh yeah!

RACHEL: Stop it! Cut it out! Cut it out!

ROSS: Okay, okay, I'm sorry, it will never happen... Uh-oh! Wait a minute! Wait-wait, now there are a hundred of you and I'm the king.


JOEY: Ohhh. Ahh! What are you doing?! I thought you were gonna take her back to the store today.

CHANDLER: I did! But the store wouldn't take her back! So then I took her to the shelter, and you know what I found out? If they can't find a home for her, they kill her! And I'm not gonna let that happen to little Yasmine!

JOEY: Okay, good, good, good, 'cause, good, 'cause I was kinda having second thoughts too.

CHANDLER: Okay. And it's not just chicks y'know? It's all kinds of other animals!

JOEY: That's horrible! Well, you did the right thing man.

CHANDLER: Thanks, I'm glad you see it that way.

RACHEL: What thing? What is this thing?

ROSS: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.

RACHEL: Oh my God!

ROSS: Yeah.

RACHEL: Ross, why didn't you tell me that?

ROSS: Eh, 'cause I knew that if I told you, you'd make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.

RACHEL: I cannot believe you.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: That is the sweetest thing, I just....

ROSS: You should get some sleep.


ROSS: So, I'll umm...

RACHEL: Oh, I'm sorry I spoiled you're evening.

ROSS: No, that's, no, as long as you're okay. So I'll ah, I'll see you tomorrow.

RACHEL: Um-hmm, yeah. See ya.

JOEY: What 'cha doing?

CHANDLER: Having a swim.

JOEY: What about the chick?

CHANDLER: Chicks don't swim.

JOEY: Are you sure?

CHANDLER: I don't know. Should we try it?

JOEY: Sure.

CHANDLER: See, I told you they don't swim.

JOEY: Wait. Give him a minute.


transcribed by Eric B Aasen