The One With Joey's Dirty Day (414)

written by Wil Calhoun

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
MONICA: Hey, Joey, I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?

JOEY: Look, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweat pants, that's still Phase One. Y'know? I'll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.

MONICA: What's Phase Two?

JOEY: Gettin' drunk and going to a strip club.

RACHEL: How does going to a strip club help him better?

ROSS: Because there are naked ladies there.

JOEY: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.

ROSS: There are naked ladies there too.

JOEY: Yeah.

MONICA: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?

RACHEL: Well, I didn't see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl in the face.



RACHEL: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.

PHOEBE: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?

RACHEL: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I'm Rachel Greep! I'm Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.

MONICA: So you hit her in the face?

RACHEL: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can't believe this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.

PHOEBE: Aww, Pheebs.

RACHEL: Honey, that's you're name.

PHOEBE: That's short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we called each other!

MONICA: Hey! You're wearing pants!

CHANDLER: That's right! Where are the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see some strippers.

MONICA: It's 9: 30 in the morning!

CHANDLER: They got a breakfast buffet.

JOEY: Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?

THE A.D: You.

JOEY: Y'know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?

THE A.D: You?

JOEY: No-no, it's uh, it's Heston.

THE A.D: What?

JOEY: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some liquorice.

THE A.D: There's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.

JOEY: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?

THE A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.

CHANDLER: Y'know what, y'know what, I think I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy.

PHOEBE: Well, if you think it will help.

CHANDLER: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I'm gonna get really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna get so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice

PHOEBE: You should! How is she?


CHARLTON HESTON: Hello! Who's in there?

JOEY: How ya doin'?

CHARLTON HESTON: Who in the hell are you?

JOEY: I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?

CHARLTON HESTON: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.

JOEY: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I'm an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I'm doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.

CHARLTON HESTON: You're in this picture?

JOEY: Yeah-yeah, I'm one of the cops that won't work with you 'cause your a loose cannon. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I stink!


JOEY: Yeah.

CHARLTON HESTON: Every actor at one time or another opp! Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won't even watch himself.

JOEY: Oh no-no-no, you don't understand!

CHARLTON HESTON: Listen to me!

JOEY: Oh yeah, yeah.

CHARLTON HESTON: I don't know one actor worth his salt that didn't say at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing you must remember, no matter how badly you think you might stink, you must never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my shower! Do you understand me?!

JOEY: Yes sir! Yes sir, I'm-I'm...

CHARLTON HESTON: Wait a minute! Take your pants.

JOEY: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

CHANDLER: All right, well I'm gonna put my sweats back on.

PHOEBE: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y'know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren't great at being guys, but you know why? Because we're girls.


PHOEBE: And do you know what girls are really good at?

CHANDLER: Stripping!

PHOEBE: No, listening! Sit! Y'know, maybe it would just really, really help if you would just talk.

RACHEL: Yeah, come on! What's going in on in there?

MONICA: Yeah. And y'know, if you wanna cry, that's okay too.

CHANDLER: Okay, look, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.

MONICA: Come on! Chandler!

CHANDLER: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause, Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn't picture myself with any of them.

MONICA: They really were pretty, weren't they?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.

MONICA: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!


MONICA: Y'know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. It'd, it'd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.

RACHEL: See, I don't know, for me it would have to Chantal.

MONICA: Oh, Chantal!

RACHEL: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh!

CHANDLER: Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!

MONICA: Really?!

CHANDLER: I am totally picturing you with all those women!

MONICA: That's-that's not Phase Three.

CHANDLER: Well, I'm there too!

RACHEL: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?

CHANDLER: Stop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase Four!

PHOEBE: Oh! What is that? What is that?

CHANDLER: Where I don't want to have a relationship ever! I just want to have sex with strippers and my friends!!!

transcribed by Eric Aasen