The One With The Jam (303)
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Season 1 Where Monica Gets A New Roomate With The Sonogram At The End With The Thumb With George Stephanoloulos With The East German Laundry Detergent With The Butt With The Blackout Where Nana Dies Twice Where Underdog Gets Away With The Monkey With Mrs.Bing With The Dozen Lasagnes With The Boobies With The Candy Hearts With The Stoned Guy With Two Parts, Part 1 With Two Parts, Part 2 With All The Poker Where The Monkey Gets Away With The Evil Orthodontist With The Fake Monica With The Ick Factor With The Birth Where Rachel Finds Out Season 2 With Ross' New Girlfriend With The Breast Milk Where Heckles Dies With Phoebe's Husband With Five Steaks And An Eggplant With The Baby On The Bus Where Ross Finds Out With The List With Phoebe's Dad With Russ With The Lesbian Wedding After The Superbowl, Part 1 After The Superbowl, Part 2 With The Prom Video Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Where Joey Moves Out Where Eddie Moves In Where Dr.Remore Dies Where Eddie Won't Go Where Old Yeller Dies With The Two Bullies With The Two Parties With The Chickenpox With Barry And Mindy's Wedding Season 3 With The Princess Leia Fantasy Where No-One's Ready With The Jam With The Metaphorical Tunnel With Frank Jnr With The Flashback With The Race Car Bed With The Giant Poking Device With The Football Where Rachel Quits Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister With All The Jealousy Where Monica And Richard Are Friends With Phoebe's Ex-Partner Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break With The Morning After With The Ski Trip With The Hypnosis Tape With The Tiny T-Shirt With The Dollhouse With The Chick and the Duck With The Screamer With Ross's Thing With The Ultimate Fighting Champion At The Beach Season 4 With The Jellyfish With The Cat With The 'Cuffs With The Ballroom Dancing With Joey's New Girlfriend With The Dirty Girl Where Chandler Crosses The Line With Chandler In A Box Where They're Gonna Party! With The Girl From Poughkeepsie With Phoebe's Uterus With The Embryos With Rachel's Crush With Joey's Dirty Day With All The Rugby With The Fake Party With The Free Porn With Rachel's New Dress With All The Haste With All The Wedding Dresses With The Invitation With The Worst Best Man Ever With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II Season 5 After Ross Said Rachel With All The Kissing Hundredth Where Phoebe Hates PBS With All The Kips With The Yeti Where Ross Moves In With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks With Ross's Sandwich With The Inappropriate Sister With All The Resolutions With Chandler's Work Laugh With Joey's Bag Where Everyone Finds Out With The Girl Who Hits Joey With A Cop With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss Where Rachel Smokes Where Ross Can't Flirt With The Ride Along With The Ball With Joey's Big Break In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode) Season 6 After Vegas Where Ross Hugs Rachel With Ross's Denial Where Joey Loses His Insurance With Joey's Porsche With The Last Night Where Phoebe Runs With Ross's Teeth Where Ross Got High With The Routine With The Apothecary Table With The Joke With Rachels Sister Where Chandler Can't Cry That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2) With The Unagi Where Ross Dates A Student With Joey's Fridge With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E. Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad Where Paul's The Man With The Ring With The Proposal(Season Finale) With Monica\'s Thunder With Rachel's Book With Phoebe's Cookies With Rachel's Assistant With The Engagement Picture With The Nap Partners With Ross's Library Book Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs With All The Candy With The Holiday Armadilio With All The Cheesecakes Where They're Up All Night Where Rosita Dies Where They All Turn Thirty With Joey's New Brain With The Truth About London With The Cheap Wedding Dress With Joey's Award With Ross and Monica's Cousin With Rachel's Big Kiss With The Vows With Chandler's Dad Season 8 After 'I Do' With The Red Sweater Where Rachel Tells... With The Videotape With Rachel's Date With The Halloween Party |
MONICA: Hey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning. ROSS: Where'd you get fruit at four in the morning? MONICA: Went down to the docks. Bet ya didn't know you could get it wholesale. RACHEL: I didn't know there were docks. RACHEL: Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed? JOEY: Nooo. I had a story all worked out but then Chandler sold me out. CHANDLER: Well, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just *fell* out of the socket. JOEY: What is this? Fruit? RACHEL: Monica's making jam. JOEY: Whoa, jam! I love jam! Hey, how come we never have jam at our place? CHANDLER: Because the kids need new shoes. PHOEBE: Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you. GUY: You wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters.... PHOEBE: What? GUY: One more chance Ursula, please? PHOEBE: Oooh. Oh, well this is awkward. GUY: Wh... PHOEBE: Um, yeah, you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously. GUY: Oh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus! PHOEBE: Oh, you're not a dingus. GUY: I just, I want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I meet your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones. PHOEBE: Well, I mean look it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just what, what she does to guys, okay. GUY: Well thanks. PHOEBE: Wait, you know what, I got a little story. When I was in Junior High School I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said okay, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying? GUY: Not really. CHANDLER: Do I look fat? ROSS and RACHEL: Noo. CHANDLER: Okay, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow. RACHEL: Okay, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it. CHANDLER: Okay, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her... ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's just a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter? RACHEL: Nooo! ROSS: And it works both ways. CHANDLER: Okay, so you both just know this stuff? RACHEL: Well you know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on. ROSS: Okay, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1 she'll take a cab home from the airport. Option 2 is you can meet her at baggage claim. Which do you do? CHANDLER: That's easy, baggage claim. ROSS: Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her. CHANDLER: Okay, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you want to go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something. RACHEL: Oh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddlily sleepers. ROSS: Okay the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do. CHANDLER: Well, I thought you guys were cuddlily sleepers. ROSS: Noo! No, not cuddlily, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Okay, come here. (they sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Okay, you're in bed... CHANDLER: Yeah. ROSS: I'm gonna use the cushion. CHANDLER: Yeah. ROSS: Okay, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her and roll her back over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you. CHANDLER: Okay, the old hug and roll. ROSS: Yep. CHANDLER: Okay, one question. ROSS: Shoot. CHANDLER: You're pretending the pillow's a girl right? MONICA: Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch. JOEY: No more jam?! RACHEL: Well, what happened to your jam plan? MONICA: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies. CHANDLER: Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars. ROSS: What are you talking about? MONICA: I'm talking about me having a baby. ROSS: What? RACHEL: Are you serious? MONICA: Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan. ROSS: Well, aren't you forgetin' something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad! MONICA: It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid. CHANDLER: That, that's what's stupid. MONICA: I don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers. And there, there are places you can go to get that stuff. RACHEL: Down at the docks again? MALCOM: Here's my binoculars. PHOEBE: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going. MALCOM: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Lips, they're just for fun. PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. What's this? MALCOM: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna here something from it? PHOEBE: Um, not even a little bit. CHANDLER: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard. MONICA: Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis. CHANDLER: You mean there's more than one of us. MONICA: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only...boy. Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!' JOEY: Yeah, the Knicks rule! MONICA: Joey, this is you! JOEY: Let me see. Oh, right. RACHEL: When did you go to a sperm bank? JOEY: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday? CHANDLER: And that's how you bought it? JOEY: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left. MONICA: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here. JOEY: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little. RACHEL: Oh my God, what happened? JANICE: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me... off... the... bed! RACHEL: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun. JANICE: Oh, I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug and Roll thing. RACHEL: Ross's what? JANICE: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my... God. JOEY: Hey. MONICA: Hey. JOEY: Where you going? MONICA: To the bank. JOEY: Sperm or regular? MONICA: Sperm. JOEY: So you're really doing this, huh? MONICA: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135. JOEY: Sounds nice. MONICA: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes... JOEY: No kiddin', hmm. MONICA: What? JOEY: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy. MONICA: Really? Why? JOEY: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like... Hoyt. MONICA: Hoyt? JOEY: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with a big pool. MONICA: Really, is he a swimmer? JOEY: He's got the body for it. MONICA: I like that. What? JOEY: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know. MONICA: We do not have one of those signs. JOEY: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids. MONICA: Two girls and a boy? JOEY: Yeah! MONICA: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them. JOEY: Sure! But hey, you know this way sounds good too. MONICA: Yeah. JOEY: Oh Monica. Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, for like a day. ROSS: Hey. Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second? CHANDLER: Sure. What's up? ROSS: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something you're already familiar with, uh, women talk!
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transcribed by Eric B Aasen
51765
