The One With Rachel's Crush (413)

written by Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PHOEBE: Oh, hey, Mon, do you still have your like old blouses and dresses from high school?

MONICA: Yeah, I think I have some around here somewhere. Why?

PHOEBE: Well, it's just that maternity clothes are so expensive.

PHOEBE: Ooh! How was Kathy's play?

ROSS: Well, Kathy gets half-naked and simulates sex with a real good lookin' guy.

CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like someone literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it!

CHANDLER: I'm totally screwed. Okay, they are gonna be hot and heavy on stage every night, and then they're gonna go to their cast parties and he's gonna try to undermine me. Y'know it'll be like, "So where's your boyfriend, what's-his-name, Chester?" And she'll go, "No-no-no, it's Chandler." And he'll go, "Whatever. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

JOEY: That-that is a good trick.

CHANDLER: All right, look, look, what am I gonna do?

JOEY: Chandler, look they're actors. They're there to do a job, just 'cause they work together, doesn't mean they're gonna get together. I mean just 'cause it happened with Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, it doesn't mean it's gonna happen with them.

ROSS: Oh-oh, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

JOEY: Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman.

ROSS: Yeah.

PHOEBE: Hey, Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood.

ROSS: They're not a couple!

PHOEBE: Oh-okay, I get the game now.

JOEY: Listen also we're uh, we're watching the game here Saturday night, if people want to come over.

ROSS: Oh yeah!

MONICA: Oh, I was thinking about having people over for the game.

JOEY: Oh yeah, who's playing?

MONICA: The players.

KATHY: It's a good play, isn't it?

CHANDLER: Oh, I loved the play. You were great, and Nick ditto. Clearly you're having sex with him.

KATHY: Clearly, I'm having sex with him?

CHANDLER: Oh come on, it was so obvious! There was no chemistry between you two!

KATHY: Okay, so let me just get this straight. You're accusing me of cheating on you, and insulting my performance?

CHANDLER: Y'know, I-I could see how this could happen, y'know you're up there every night, you're naked, touching, kissing.

KATHY: Acting! Chandler, this is my job! I'm-I'm playing a part in a play! How can you not trust me?!

CHANDLER: Well, you can understand, given how we started.

KATHY: Oh, wow. I can't believe you're throwing that in my face.

CHANDLER: Well, that is what happened, and I don't even see you denying this!

KATHY: I'll tell you what, Chandler, why don't you call me when you grow up!

CHANDLER: Yeah, well, don't expect that to happen anytime soon!

RACHEL: So I was with Joshua for an hour today, and he has not asked me out. It's just so frustrating!

PHOEBE: Why don't you ask him out?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, totally! That's such a turn-on!

RACHEL: Really? It doesn't seem desperate?

JOEY: Oh-ooh, that's the turn-on.

CHANDLER: Did she call?

PHOEBE: No, sorry.

CHANDLER: All right, maybe I should call her.

JOEY: No! Forget her, man! You don't need her, you don't need that!

ROSS: He's right, what she did was unforgivable.

CHANDLER: Well, yeah, but y'know, what-what if I was wrong?

ROSS: How might you be wrong?

CHANDLER: Well y'know, what if she didn't actually sleep with the guy?

JOEY: Dude, tell me she actually told you this.

CHANDLER: She did not have to tell me, I saw the play, and there was no heat. Back me up here, Ross!

ROSS: That's all you're basing this on?

CHANDLER: That's not backing me up! Look, you said with the off-stage and the heat, and the onstage and the oy heat.

JOEY: Whoa-whoa, that-that was just a theory! There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. The lone gunman. Communism. Geometry.

CHANDLER: Oh my God!!!

RACHEL: I uh, I have two tickets to the Knicks game tonight if you're interested, just as a thank you for this week.

JOSHUA: Wow! That would be great.

RACHEL: Really?

JOSHUA: Yeah, that would be fantastic! My-my nephew is crazy about the Knicks! This is fantastic, thank you so much Rachel.

JOEY: Okay, for next time, what do you say?

RACHEL: I have an extra ticket. An extra ticket. Not, two tickets, I have an extra ticket.

ROSS: So the first time you ask a guy out, he-he turns you down?

RACHEL: He didn't turn me down! He's at the game isn't he? I got the date, I'm just not on it!

PHOEBE: Oh did you, what did you, did you work for two days straight?

MONICA: Pretty much. So, what do you, what do you think of the floor?

JOEY: I don't know, it looks the same.

MONICA: You used to have carpet.

JOEY: Oh yeah!

transcribed by Eric Aasen