The One Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister (311)

written by Alexa Junge

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, you really wanna know how I did it, I'll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn't see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. I just did it. I just did it, again. Here, I'll slow it down so that you guys can see it.

CHANDLER: Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little noose at the end?

MONICA: Honey, what's the matter?

CHANDLER: I just saw Janice.

ALL: Oh.

CHANDLER: Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.

JOEY: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.

CHANDLER: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.

JOEY: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know...

MONICA: Hi. I mean you're going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?

PHOEBE: Well, he's very charming.

MONICA: I know, he's too charming, but if you two start going out, then it's just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.

PHOEBE: Well, you're just gonna have to try.

MONICA: Stick out your tongue.

CHANDLER: Take off your shirt!

RACHEL: Hi! So I'm out having lunch at Monica's and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he's gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!

ROSS: Wow!

RACHEL: I know!

ROSS: What, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?

RACHEL: Uh-huh!

ROSS: And he's, he's a total stranger?

RACHEL: Yeah! His name is um, Mark something.

ROSS: Huh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.

RACHEL: What!?

ROSS: Well, I'm just saying, I mean why else would he just, y'know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason.

RACHEL: To be nice.

ROSS: Hey, Joey. Are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?

JOEY: No, only for sex.

ROSS: Thank you.


COOKIE: Hey. What are we drinkin' over here.

PHOEBE: Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice.

COOKIE: No kiddin,' that's the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.

PHOEBE: Wow. Okay, I don't know how to talk to you.

SISTER 1: What 'cha doing?

CHANDLER: Oh, I'm taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.


CHANDLER: No-no-no-no, no, it's a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments? Those are some huge breasts you have.

ROSS: So, he's just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn't want anything in exchange for helping him?

RACHEL: Well, I assume I'll have to take showers with him, but y'know, that's true of any job.

PHOEBE: Where'd you get too? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.

ROSS: Yeah.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.

ALL: Woooo hoooo!!!

CHANDLER: Ow, no 'woo-hooing,' no 'woo-hooing.'

PHOEBE: Why, what happened?

CHANDLER: Ah, I fooled around with Joey's sister. Well, that's not the worst part.

MONICA: What is the worse part?

CHANDLER: I can't remember which sister.

ROSS: You see what men do! Don't tell me men are not nice! This is men!!!

MONICA: Are you insane? I mean Joey, is going to kill you, he's actually going to kill you dead.

CHANDLER: Okay! You don't think I thought of that?

PHOEBE: How can you not know which one?

RACHEL: I mean that's unbelievable.

MONICA: I mean, was it Gina?

ROSS: Which one is Gina?

RACHEL: Dark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.

MONICA: No, no, no, that's Dina.

CHANDLER: You see you can't tell which one is which either, dwha!!

PHOEBE: We didn't fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha!

CHANDLER: Veronica. Look, it's got to be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.

MONICA: That was me.

JOEY: Can I talk to you for a second?!

ROSS: Hey, Joey.


JOEY: Come on!!!

CHANDLER: Why can't we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.

ROSS: "Dear Mary-Angela. Hi. How's it going. This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write." What the hell's a matter with you? How do you think Joey's going to react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?

CHANDLER: Well, that's the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I'll be in Cuba.

ROSS: All right, look, look, you've got to do this yourself, okay in person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay, when which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.

CHANDLER: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?

ROSS: Where in Cuba?

CHANDLER: Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what are you doing here?

JOEY: Waiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?

CHANDLER: I'm here to see Mary-Angela.

JOEY: You are so the man! Now look, listen, listen, you got to be cool, 'cause my Grandma doesn't know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.

ROSS: What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?


ROSS: 'Why don't you call him?!' Well, thank you very much! Y'know now he is going to prep her, y'know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend!

MONICA: Are you crazy?!

ROSS: Am I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.

MONICA: What?! Ross y'know this isn't even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you're right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?


MONICA: I mean don't you trust her?

ROSS: Well, yeah!

MONICA: Then get over yourself! Grow up!

ROSS: You grow up.

CHANDLER: This tiramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?


CHANDLER: Well, it's, it's yummy. So Mary-Angela do you like it?

JOEY'S GRANDMOTHER: Of course! It's her favorite.

CHANDLER: So um, Mary-Angela, what's your second favorite?

JOEY'S GRANDMOTHER: More of Grandma's teramisu.

CHANDLER: Would you just please... give me the recipe 'cause this is great. It's top notch.

JOEY'S GRANDMOTHER: That dies with me.

CHANDLER: So will I.

JOEY'S SISTER: Finally, I thought we'd never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party.

CHANDLER: Look, I may have jumped the gun here. Um, I just got out of a relationship and I'm not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.

JOEY'S SISTER: So?! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right you do have the softest lips.

CHANDLER: Ahhhh, you're not Mary-Angela.

JOEY'S SISTER: No, I'm Mary-Theresa.

MARY-THERESA: Chandler was just kissin' me because he thought I was Mary-Angela.

JOEY: What?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?

CHANDLER: I wasn't sure which one Mary-Angela was. Look, I'm sorry okay, I was really drunk, and you all look really similar.

JOEY'S SISTER: I say, punch him Joey.

ALL: Yeah! Punch him!!

CHANDLER: Y'know what, we should all calm down because your brother's not going to punch me. Are ya?

JOEY: Well, that is usually what I would do. But I just never thought you'd be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?!

CHANDLER: Joey if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you're my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.

COOKIE: So what. I say, punch him.

ALL: Yeah! Punch him! Punch him!

JOEY: No! No! No! No, I'm not going to punch Chandler.

COOKIE: I'll do it.

JOEY: No you won't. Look he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he's sorry. But, you've got one more apology to make, all right, you've got to apologize to Mary-Angela.

CHANDLER: Okay, absolutely!

JOEY: All right.

CHANDLER: You've got it.

JOEY: Cookie, now you can punch him!


MONICA: So ah, Phoebe, how was your date?

PHOEBE: Oh well y'know.

MONICA: Yeah, I do know.

PHOEBE: Ick, you were eavesdropping.

RACHEL: Eavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.

PHOEBE: Oh, I'm sorry. But I really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me.

ROSS: Maybe he's just jumping on a pogo-stick and really likes it?

ROSS: Maybe the pogo-stick likes it too?

JOEY: All right, that's it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. This guy is going to get the butt kicking of a lifetime! But, is he a big guy?

transcribed by Eric B Aasen