The One With Frank Jnr (305)

written by Scott Silveri & Shana Goldnerg-Meehan

PHOEBE: Hey!

RACHEL: Any sign of your brother?

PHOEBE: No, but he's always late.

RACHEL: I thought you only met him once?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.'

RACHEL: Well relax, he'll be here.

PHOEBE: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.

RACHEL: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing.

CHANDLER: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?

MONICA: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.

CHANDLER: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.

JOEY: Her what?

CHANDLER: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad.

ROSS: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.

MONICA: So, Chandler, who's on your list?

CHANDLER: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.

RACHEL: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league?

CHANDLER: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

JOEY: Rach, how about you?

RACHEL: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.

ROSS: Spiderman?

RACHEL: Hardy Boy.

CHANDLER: Peter Parker.

ROSS: Thank you.

PHOEBE: Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.

ALL: Oh, hi.

PHOEBE: This is everybody. This is Ross.

FRANK: How are you?

ROSS: Hey.

PHOEBE: Chandler.

CHANDLER: Hi.

FRANK: Hi.

PHOEBE: Joey.

JOEY: Hey-hey!

FRANK: Hey.

PHOEBE: This is Monica.

FRANK: Whoa!

PHOEBE: And this is Rachel.

RACHEL: Hi!

FRANK: Whoa!!!

RACHEL: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything.

FRANK: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.

CHANDLER: You know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city.

JOEY: I know.

JOEY: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?

CHANDLER: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!!

MONICA: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982?

JOEY: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.

MONICA: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor?

JOEY: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.

MONICA: I highly doubt that.

JOEY: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. Yeah.

MONICA: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

JOEY: Relax. Here hold this. This old stuff just comes right off.

MONICA: That's a little more than I wanted to see.

JOEY: Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it.

FRANK: When's your birthday?

PHOEBE: Feburary 16th.

FRANK: I know a guy who's the 18th.

PHOEBE: Wow, that's close. When's yours?

FRANK: October 25th.

PHOEBE: That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?

FRANK: Melt stuff.

ROSS: Okay, I've got three of my five.

RACHEL: Three of your five, what?

ROSS: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.

RACHEL: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.

ROSS: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left.

CHANDLER: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?

ROSS: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely...

CHANDLER: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.

ROSS: Susan Sarandon.

CHANDLER: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.

ROSS: And!! Isabella Rosselini.

CHANDLER: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too international, y'know she's never gonna be around.

RACHEL: So?

CHANDLER: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time.

RACHEL: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography.

PHOEBE: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.

FRANK: Yeah.

PHOEBE: So is it like art?

FRANK: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?

FRANK: No, I wanna melt it.

PHOEBE: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.

FRANK: Yeah!

MONICA: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.

PHOEBE: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

MONICA: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

PHOEBE: I just asked you.

MONICA: I just asked you.

PHOEBE: I don't have time for this.

MONICA: No, that is what the game is.

PHOEBE: Which you just gave up really quickly.

FRANK: Whoa! Big octopus.

PHOEBE: Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um.

FRANK: Hey, what kind of work do you do?

PHOEBE: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.

FRANK: You-you work at one of those massage parlors?

PHOEBE: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah!

FRANK: Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea.

PHOEBE: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?

FRANK: You mean like watch?

PHOEBE: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?

FRANK: Well, I don't think this, y'know.

PHOEBE: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?

FRANK: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?

ROSS: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final.

RACHEL: Well, it's about time.

JOEY: Ooh, very official.

ROSS: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.

MONICA: And who laminated it?

ROSS: That would be me.

RACHEL: All right let me see. Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?

ROSS: Hey, it's my list.

RACHEL: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.

FRANK: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow!

PHOEBE: Hey!-Hey! What's going on?

FRANK: She broke my arm.

GIRL: He touched my fanny.

FRANK: No, she touched mine first!

GIRL: That's my job!

FRANK: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you?

PHOEBE AND GIRL: Ewww!!!

PHOEBE: You can't have sex with her!

GIRL: What'd you think I was, a hooker?

FRANK: No, you're a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop.

PHOEBE: So that's what you thought I did! God! That's not what I do!

FRANK: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do?

PHOEBE: Nooo! Why would you think that?

FRANK: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don't know.

PHOEBE: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.

FRANK: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad.

PHOEBE: You really thought it was perfect?

FRANK: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those great talks y'know.

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?

FRANK: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...

PHOEBE: I don't...

FRANK: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.

PHOEBE: Right, okay, um-mm.

PHOEBE: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this.

FRANK: This?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

FRANK: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker...

PHOEBE: She wasn't a hooker.

FRANK: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.

CHANDLER: Okay, on three. One... Two...

JOEY: Why don't we just go on two.

CHANDLER: Why two?

JOEY: Because it's faster.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk.

CHANDLER: Oh, good job Joe.

JOEY: Wow, it's big!

CHANDLER: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!

JOEY: Maybe, my ruler's wrong.

PHOEBE: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.

JOEY: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.

ROSS: Isabella Rosselini.

MONICA: Are you serious? Oh my God.

ROSS: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list.

MONICA: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it?

ROSS: Yeah, maybe.

RACHEL: Oh-oh, you lie.

ROSS: What you don't think I'd go up to her?

RACHEL: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.

ROSS: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.

RACHEL: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate.

MONICA: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?

RACHEL: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.

ROSS: Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? Or maybe reimburse you for that one?

ISABELLA: Aren't you with that girl over there?

ROSS: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, so I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery.

ISABELLA: I'm sorry.

ROSS: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...

ISABELLA: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?

ROSS: Um, yeah.

ISABELLA: May I see it?

ROSS: Um, no.

ISABELLA: Come on!

ROSS: But, okay.

ISABELLA: I'm not on the list!

ROSS: Um, see, but that's not the final draft.

ISABELLA: It's laminated!

ROSS: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.

ISABELLA: Y'know it's ironic...

ROSS: What?

ISABELLA: ... because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there.

JOEY: Y'know what?

CHANDLER: Umm?

JOEY: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there.

CHANDLER: I've got five bucks says you can't.

JOEY: Get out your checkbook, mister.

CHANDLER: Oh, I think I have the cash.