The One With Frank Jnr (305)

written by Scott Silveri & Shana Goldnerg-Meehan

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
RACHEL: Hey Pheebs.


RACHEL: Any sign of your brother?

PHOEBE: No, but he's always late.

RACHEL: I thought you only met him once?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I did. I think it sounds y'know big sistery, y'know, 'Frank's always late.'

RACHEL: Well relax, he'll be here.

PHOEBE: No, I know, I'm just nervous. Y'know it's just y'know Mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's like the last desperate chance to have a family, y'know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.

RACHEL: Well, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to have cups out here, it's a thing.

CHANDLER: Does anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?

MONICA: No, but he told me, he thinks your a fox.

CHANDLER: All right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.

JOEY: Her what?

CHANDLER: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad.

ROSS: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.

MONICA: So, Chandler, who's on your list?

CHANDLER: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.

RACHEL: Now, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league?

CHANDLER: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.

JOEY: Rach, how about you?

RACHEL: Oh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnel, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.

ROSS: Spiderman?

RACHEL: Hardy Boy.

CHANDLER: Peter Parker.

ROSS: Thank you.

PHOEBE: Everbody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.

ALL: Oh, hi.

PHOEBE: This is everybody. This is Ross.

FRANK: How are you?

ROSS: Hey.

PHOEBE: Chandler.




JOEY: Hey-hey!


PHOEBE: This is Monica.

FRANK: Whoa!

PHOEBE: And this is Rachel.


FRANK: Whoa!!!

RACHEL: Well, so, now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, y'know bond, and everything.

FRANK: Yeah, I was thinking that maybe we could go down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.

CHANDLER: You know, we don't really take advantage of living in the city.

JOEY: I know.

JOEY: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?

CHANDLER: No, you didn't get me!! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!!

MONICA: Hey! Where 'ya headin' in those pants? 1982?

JOEY: Oh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale. If you ever want to redo the bathroom floor.

MONICA: Why, what's wrong with my bathroom floor?

JOEY: Nothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.

MONICA: I highly doubt that.

JOEY: Oh yeah. If you ah, move your hamper, you see what color the tile used to be. Yeah.

MONICA: I can't live like this! What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?

JOEY: Relax. Here hold this. This old stuff just comes right off.

MONICA: That's a little more than I wanted to see.

JOEY: Aw! Look at that, every inch of this stuff is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it.

FRANK: When's your birthday?

PHOEBE: Feburary 16th.

FRANK: I know a guy who's the 18th.

PHOEBE: Wow, that's close. When's yours?

FRANK: October 25th.

PHOEBE: That's the same month as Halloween. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?

FRANK: Melt stuff.

ROSS: Okay, I've got three of my five.

RACHEL: Three of your five, what?

ROSS: Celebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.

RACHEL: Oh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.

ROSS: Yeah, it's hard okay, I only have two spots left.

CHANDLER: All right, so who do you got it narrowed down to?

ROSS: Okay, Elizabeth Hurely...

CHANDLER: Oooh-hoo, very attractive, forgiving.

ROSS: Susan Sarandon.

CHANDLER: Eh, y'know what, she's to political, she probably wouldn't let you do it, unless you donated four cans of food first.

ROSS: And!! Isabella Rosselini.

CHANDLER: Ooh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, y'know she's too international, y'know she's never gonna be around.


CHANDLER: So, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time.

RACHEL: Yeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography.

PHOEBE: Okay so, by melting, you meant melting.

FRANK: Yeah.

PHOEBE: So is it like art?

FRANK: Yeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah sure. Why you wanna call your Mom?

FRANK: No, I wanna melt it.

PHOEBE: Oh, well um, not right now. Y'know I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache.

FRANK: Yeah!

MONICA: Oh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.

PHOEBE: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

MONICA: Oh, how do you play the shadow game?

PHOEBE: I just asked you.

MONICA: I just asked you.

PHOEBE: I don't have time for this.

MONICA: No, that is what the game is.

PHOEBE: Which you just gave up really quickly.

FRANK: Whoa! Big octopus.

PHOEBE: Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go to work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do 'um.

FRANK: Hey, what kind of work do you do?

PHOEBE: Oh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.

FRANK: You-you work at one of those massage parlors?

PHOEBE: Well, y'know we don't call it that, but yeah!

FRANK: Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea.

PHOEBE: All righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless you wanna come with me?

FRANK: You mean like watch?

PHOEBE: No, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! Y'know what are big sisters for?

FRANK: Well, I don't think this, y'know.

PHOEBE: No, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this will be so much fun! Hey! Are you excited?

FRANK: Yeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?

ROSS: Okay, I'm done with my choices, these are final.

RACHEL: Well, it's about time.

JOEY: Ooh, very official.

ROSS: Oh, yeah, well y'know Chandler printed it up on his computer.

MONICA: And who laminated it?

ROSS: That would be me.

RACHEL: All right let me see. Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurely, Michelle Pfieffer, and Dorothy Hammel?

ROSS: Hey, it's my list.

RACHEL: Okay honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.

FRANK: Ow!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Y'know, ow!

PHOEBE: Hey!-Hey! What's going on?

FRANK: She broke my arm.

GIRL: He touched my fanny.

FRANK: No, she touched mine first!

GIRL: That's my job!

FRANK: So wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you?


PHOEBE: You can't have sex with her!

GIRL: What'd you think I was, a hooker?

FRANK: No, you're a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop.

PHOEBE: So that's what you thought I did! God! That's not what I do!

FRANK: Wait that's-that's, what that's not what you do?

PHOEBE: Nooo! Why would you think that?

FRANK: I don't know, I mean, y'know, this is the city y'know, I just, I mean, I don't know.

PHOEBE: Whatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend anyways.

FRANK: Oh, wait, no your right, no it was perfect and I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad.

PHOEBE: You really thought it was perfect?

FRANK: Well, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but y'know it was pretty cool, y'know, 'cause we had all those great talks y'know.

PHOEBE: Yeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?

FRANK: Well y'know about the tongue thing, y'know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...

PHOEBE: I don't...

FRANK: How-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.

PHOEBE: Right, okay, um-mm.

PHOEBE: Okay. All right, this is my favourite part of the weekend, right now, this.

FRANK: This?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

FRANK: Oh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we found ninja stars, I almost got arm broken by a hooker...

PHOEBE: She wasn't a hooker.

FRANK: Well, when I tell my friends about her she will be.

CHANDLER: Okay, on three. One... Two...

JOEY: Why don't we just go on two.

CHANDLER: Why two?

JOEY: Because it's faster.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I coulda counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk.

CHANDLER: Oh, good job Joe.

JOEY: Wow, it's big!

CHANDLER: Yeah-yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!

JOEY: Maybe, my ruler's wrong.

PHOEBE: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.

JOEY: Look it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.

ROSS: Isabella Rosselini.

MONICA: Are you serious? Oh my God.

ROSS: Damn! I can't believe I took her off my list.

MONICA: Why? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it?

ROSS: Yeah, maybe.

RACHEL: Oh-oh, you lie.

ROSS: What you don't think I'd go up to her?

RACHEL: Ross, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.

ROSS: Yeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.

RACHEL: You know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate.

MONICA: Rach, are you really gonna let him do this?

RACHEL: Honey, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.

ROSS: Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, you don't know me, but I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a cup of coffee? Or maybe reimburse you for that one?

ISABELLA: Aren't you with that girl over there?

ROSS: Well, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's okay, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of five famous people, so I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattery.

ISABELLA: I'm sorry.

ROSS: Oh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...

ISABELLA: Yeah, for you. Is that the list?

ROSS: Um, yeah.

ISABELLA: May I see it?

ROSS: Um, no.

ISABELLA: Come on!

ROSS: But, okay.

ISABELLA: I'm not on the list!

ROSS: Um, see, but that's not the final draft.

ISABELLA: It's laminated!

ROSS: Yeah, um, okay see, you were, you were on the list but my friend, Chandler brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Wynona Rider, local.

ISABELLA: Y'know it's ironic...

ROSS: What?

ISABELLA: ... because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I bumped you for that guy over there.

JOEY: Y'know what?


JOEY: I bet 'ya ya I could fit in there.

CHANDLER: I've got five bucks says you can't.

JOEY: Get out your checkbook, mister.

CHANDLER: Oh, I think I have the cash.

transcribed by Eric B Aasen