The One With Russ (210)

written by Ira Ungerleider

JOEY: I'm excited, I've never gotten reviewed before.

MONICA: You were so amazing as the king, I was really impressed, I was.

PHOEBE: Although, you know what. You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.

JOEY: Here it is, here it is. "The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king."

CHANDLER: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs read yours.

PHOEBE: OK. "The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction..."

CHANDLER: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.

ROSS: I don't want to.

RACHEL: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.

ROSS: Oh c'mon, maybe your just, uhh, your just paying your dues.

JOEY: NO, no, no, it, it's too hard. It's not worth it, I quit.

MONICA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute, wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. "In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153, sucking."

JOEY: When I was little I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.

PHOEBE: Are, are you OK?

ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegasaurus fell over and trapped a kid. Woah, woah, I know this jacket, this is, th... Fun Bobby's jacket, where is he, what. He, he's here isn't he?

MONICA: Maybe.

ROSS: Don't toy with me.

FUN BOBBY: Geller!

ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!

RACHEL: OK, so that's... that's what, two bottles, and yet somehow we went through five?

ROSS: Oooh.

JOEY: Ohhh.

MONICA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.

ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a, a drink in his hand.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Ooh, OOOH, yeah, ya know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soo bombed,' or, umm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'

JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?

MONICA: Well, we just happen to go to a lot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or, or to a club, or to the... zoo.

MONICA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?

RACHEL: Ehhumm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.

MONICA: Mm, no.

RACHEL: Oh, well too late, sorry, you already had some.

FUN BOBBY: Whad'ya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?

MONICA: You know what, it seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.

FUN BOBBY: Well, I would make them Belgian but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.

CHANDLER: Guess who's back in show business.

PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?

CHANDLER: No, no, Phoebs, you know why? Cause he's dead.

PHOEBE: Oh, no.

ESTELLE: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?

JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well, I, I got a callback for Thursday.

ESTELLE: Joey, have you ever seen me estatic?

JOEY: No.

ESTELLE: Well, here it is.

JOEY: OK, uhh, listen, there's something I want to talk to you about. The network casting lady...

ESTELLE: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?

JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah she's great but... I kinda got the feeling that she was, sort of... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would of, you know... if I would have sent the Little General in.

ESTELLE: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out. Yeah hi, Lori please. Hi darling. So how 'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terriffic? Uh-huuh. Uh-huuuuh. OK doll, talk to you later. Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.

RACHEL: What's the matter?

MONICA: It's Fun Bobby.

RACHEL: What, isn't he sober?

MONICA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.

RACHEL: Ohhh, OK.

FUN BOBBY: Thanks. You wanna here something funny?

MONICA: Oh God yes!

FUN BOBBY: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

PHOEBE: That is funny.

FUN BOBBY: I needed to buy a hammer the other night and I'm out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.

CHANDLER: Ridiculously dull Bobby.

MONICA: Oh my God.

PHOEBE: It's not that bad.

MONICA: Not that bad! Did you hear the hammer story?

PHOEBE: Ok, ok, don't get all squinky.

RACHEL: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.

MONICA: But I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him, I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.

PHOEBE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull, you just, you know, set it free.

PHOEBE: OK. So, you know what you're doing right?

RACHEL: Hu-ahh, waitressing?

PHOEBE: Well yeah, but no. I mean, umm, doesn't, doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?

RACHEL: Huh, Bob Sagett?

PHOEBE: Oh yeah. No, no, no, no, oh, oh.

RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh, paleontologist.

ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a...

RUSS: Periodontist.

MONICA: See, now they're as different as night and... later that night.

JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.

CHANDLER: Well is she...

JOEY: Sorry.

CHANDLER: It's alright. Is she good looking?

JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. You know, after having slept with her.

CHANDLER: You know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Ya know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. Ya know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.

JOEY: I just, I just don't think that I want it that way though, ya know. I mean, let's say I do make it, alright, I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent of because of, ya know, the Little General.

CHANDLER: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?

JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco I had to promote it.

PHOEBE: You don't see it? You actually do'n't see it?

RACHEL: What?

PHOEBE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.

RACHEL: No, Phoebs, I'm dating Russ.

PHOEBE: Russ is Ross. Russ Ross.

RACHEL: Steve sleeve.

PHOEBE: OK, no one is named Sleeve.

RUSS: I know what your problem is.

ROSS: Oh you do, do ya?

RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.

ROSS: Of, of what?

RUSS: You're jealous becuase I'm a real doctor.

ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss, day two, here's your diploma.

RACHEL: Did Joey say what he was gonna do when he left?

CHANDLER: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?

RACHEL: I don't know, who would I have to sleep with?

CHANDLER: Me.

RACHEL: Why would I have to sleep with you?

CHANDLER: It's my game, you want the job or not?

PHOEBE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?

ROSS: What's goin on, is, uh, Bobby drinking again?

MONICA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.

JOEY: Hey.

GANG: Hey!

ROSS: How'd the callback go?

JOEY: It was unbelievable, I walked in there and she was all over me.

CHANDLER: So what'd you do?

JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the part that way.

ROSS: Good for you.

JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then after I left her office she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.

PHOEBE: So, and.

JOEY: Soo, you are now looking at Dr. Drake Remore, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes.

GANG: All right!

RUSS: Hi.

CHANDLER: Oh, hey.

PHOEBE: Hi.

RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.

CHANDLER: Yeah, I'm sorry man.

RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?

PHOEBE: Oh I do, it's, it's Bob Sagett. She hates him.

RUSS: Oh.

JULIE: Hey.

CHANDLER and PHOEBE: Hey, Julie!

PHOEBE: Hey, how are you doing?

JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know, I mean, it's definitely wierd not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he um...