The One With The Stoned Guy (115)

written by Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PHOEBE: Hey guys, guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...

CHANDLER: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm putting in my numbers, and then big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.

ALL: That's great!

CHANDLER: So... I quit.

ALL: Why?

CHANDLER: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!

MONICA: Uh, Chandler... you've been there for five years.

CHANDLER: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.

PHOEBE: So was it a lot more money?

CHANDLER: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.

RACHEL: ... the WENUS?

CHANDLER: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.


PHOEBR: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.

MONICA: Um... hi there.

PHOEBE: Hi! Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so...

CHANDLER: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

MONICA: Yeah, yeah! Well, what kind of food is he looking for?

PHOEBE: Well, he wants to do some eclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.

MONICA: Oh my God!

PHOEBE: Yeah, I know! Well, what do you think?

CHANDLER: Thanks, Phoeb. But I just don't see myself in a big white hat.

PHOEBE: OK. Hey Monica! Guess what!

CHANDLER: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

RACHEL: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

CHANDLER: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.

RACHEL: I don't!

CHANDLER: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

ROSS: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.

RACHEL: The meeting with the guy went great?

MONICA: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

CHANDLER: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

MONICA: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.

RACHEL: What are you going to make?

PHOEBE: Yummy noises.

RACHEL: And Monica, what are you going to make?

MONICA: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!

PHOEBE: Ooh! I know what you could make! I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know.

ROSS: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

JOEY: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

ROSS: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

CHANDLER: Who are you going out with?

PHOEBE: Oh, is this the bug lady?

RACHEL: Bzzzz... I love you, Ross.

ROSS: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.

RACHEL: So what are you guys going to do?

ROSS: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I might introduce her to my monkey.

CHANDLER: And he's not speaking metaphorically.

JOEY: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.

MONICA: OK, try this salmon mousse.

JOEY: Mmmm. Good.

MONICA: Is it better than the other salmon mousse?

JOEY: It's creamier.

MONICA: Yeah, well, is that better?

JOEY: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know?

MONICA: Hey, maybe this'll cheer you up.

CHANLER: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.

MONICA: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche.

CHANDLER: Well... it is amouz-ing...

CELIA: Talk to me.

ROSS: OK... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...

CELIA: No no no. Talk... dirty.

ROSS: Wha... what, here?

CELIA: Yes...

ROSS: Ah...

CELIA: Say something... hot.

ROSS: Er... um...

CELIA: What?

ROSS: Um... uh... vulva.

ROSS: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?

JOEY: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.

ROSS: Please be kidding.

JOEY: You want to see her again, right?

ROSS: Sure.

JOEY: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!

ROSS: Ahem... I want... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.

JOEY: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!

ROSS: I, er... I want to take my tongue... and... and...

JOEY: Say it... say it!

ROSS: ... run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...

CHANDLER: ... with?

ROSS: Funny story!

CHANDLER: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

MONICA: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.

RACHEL: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye.

MONICA: Ten dollars an hour.


MONICA: Twelve dollars an hour.

RACHEL: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.

JOEY: So, er... how did it go with Celia?

ROSS: Oh, I was unbelievable.

JOEY: All right, Ross!

ROSS: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were different characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.

transcribed by Ruth Curran