The One With The Screamer (322)

written by Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
JOEY: Oh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!

ALL: Oh!

JOEY: And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.

MONICA: Joey, what are you doing?! It's never gonna happen, she's seeing somebody.

CHANDLER: Yeah, and I don't have any cologne.

JOEY: The green bottle next to the shaving cream.

CHANDLER: Oh! Worm medicine for the duck.

CHANDLER: Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?

MONICA: Of course not.


CHANDLER: Okay. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else.

ROSS: Excuse me, I'm sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.

MAN: Umm, no, I don't think so.

TOMMY: Can-can we take a look at your ticket?

MAN: Sure.

ROSS: Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh.

MAN: Oh, well I thought that ah.

TOMMY: Oh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn't really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!!! Huh?! It says D-13! Okay?! Look you're surrounded by even numbers!!! Did that give you some clue?!

MAN: Uh, the usher told us to come.

TOMMY: Oh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! Here! Hey man, you want the aisle?

ROSS: No, I'm good.

ROSS: I'm telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Okay? He viscously screamed at total strangers! I think he's baaad news!

CHANDLER: Wait a minute, wait a minute, you don't like the guy Rachel's dating? Well, that's odd.

CAILIN: So. How'd you guys meet?

PETE: Well ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.

MONICA: Yeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.


PHOEBE: Oh, is the play over?

MONICA: Yeah. Where were you?

HOLD VOICE: Thank you for your patience, you're the next caller.

MONICA: You were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.

PHOEBE: Nah. I kept myself busy.

JOEY: Hey! Are you okay?

KATE: Fabulous.

JOEY: Listen, drama critics they're nothing but, but people who couldn't make it as actors. You know what you should do?

KATE: Become a drama critic!

THE DIRECTOR: I am hurt! A plague on both your houses!

KATE: By the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.

JOEY: Oh, classy.

KATE: Yep! I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? Y'know I gave up a part on a soap for this!

JOEY: Wow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.

KATE: Really. What?

JOEY: Uh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell ya what. Let me walk you home. We'll stop by every news stand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.

KATE: Why the Post?

JOEY: Oh, you didn't see the Post?

KATE: No. You?

JOEY: No. Why?

KATE: So you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?

JOEY: Oh, absolutely! You're talented and you're good looking.

KATE: Oh, you're sweet and cute.

JOEY: I know! That's why they trashed me!

JOEY: Hey!

MONICA: Hey! Didn't you have that outfit on last night?

JOEY: Yeah! I stayed at Kate's, but ah, nothing happened. Hey, Pheebs, where were ya?

PHOEBE: I'm so, so, so sorry, Joey. I definitely am gonna see you're play. I swear you're play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. You're play is the next play is the next play I'm gonna see.

TOMMY: Whoa!!!

ROSS: Whoa, sorry Tommy.

TOMMY: What's in the cup, Ross?

ROSS: Umm.

TOMMY: What is in the cup?!

ROSS: Okay, it's coffee.

TOMMY: Ice coffee? Tell me it's ice coffee!

ROSS: It's-it's hot.

TOMMY: Hot coffee!!! You idiot!!! You were gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?!

TOMMY: Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? Aww. Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!!! Oh look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's disgusting! God, you're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!!! Quack-quack, quack-quack!!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!!

CHANDLER: Step away from the duck.

KATE: Joey!

JOEY: Hey!

KATE: I'm soo glad I caught you, I couldn't find you before.

JOEY: Wh-wh-what's going on? Wh-what's this about L.A.?

KATE: They still want me for General Hospital.

JOEY: But, but wh-what about us?

KATE: Last night was wonderful. But I-I can't stay here just for you.

JOEY: Well, so, stay for the museums!

LAUREN: So this is it? Victor?

JOEY: Yeah, I guess it is. Listen, I ah, I gotta say good bye, and-and I gotta say it quick 'cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you've got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so, I'm gonna get on this spaceship, and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. But I won't have aged at all. So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I'm gonna want to meet her.

MONICA: Phoebe, it's been two days.

PHOEBE: Yeah, I know. Oh, good thing it's one of those 801 numbers. Right?

ROSS: Phoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.

PHOEBE: No, no, no, oh no-no-no, it's has to be 801. 'Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every one. Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.

RACHEL: Phoe-be!!!

PHOEBE: Sorry, I'm so sorry, I will pay you back.

CHANDLER: And yet, she's still not hanging up the phone.

ALL: Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!!

PHOEBE: Fine! Fine! Oh-oh!


PHOEBE: Well, I think I broke it. But that's all right, here's the number you can call.


transcribed by Eric B Aasen