The One With Mrs.Bing (111)

written by Alexa Junge

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
MONICA: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.

MONICA: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And - he can dance!

PHOEBE: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

MONICA: I wish all guys could be like him.

PHOEBE: I know.

JAY LENO (TV): Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always-interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.

CHANDLER: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime, HBL and Cinemax.

RACHEL: No way, forget it.

JOEY: C'mon, she's your mom!

CHANDLER: Exactly. Weekend at Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?

RACHEL: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!

CHANDLER: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch'.

ROSS: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.

CHANDLER: You can say that because she's not your mom.

ROSS: Oh, please..

JAY LENO (TV): Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?

MRS. BING (TV): Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...

ALL: Awww!

CHANDLER: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

RACHEL: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.

MRS. BING: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

CHANDLER: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

MRS. BING: What is with you tonight?

ROSS: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

MRS. BING: It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.

ROSS: No. It's the one he's licking.

MRS. BING: She's supposed to be with you.

ROSS: You're good.

MRS. BING: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?

ROSS: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

MRS. BING: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.

ROSS: When?

MRS. BING: He's not a hero... You know who our hero is.

ROSS: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

ROSS: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

JOEY: Right. No big deal.

ROSS: Okay.

JOEY: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!

ROSS: What code?

JOEY: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

CHANDLER: Oh my God.

ROSS: You're my friend. I - I had to tell you.

CHANDLER: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?

ROSS: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.


ROSS: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora - um, Mrs. Mom - your Bing - was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing - Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-

CHANDLER: You knew about this?

JOEY: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

CHANDLER: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

JOEY: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.

ROSS: Thanks, man, big help.

MONICA: 'A Woman Undone, by Rachel Karen Green'.

RACHEL: Yeah. Thought I'd give it a shot. I'm still on the first chapter. Now, do you think his 'love stick can be liberated from its denim prison'?

MONICA: Yeah, I'd say so. And there's no 'j' in 'engorged'.

JOEY: Now, here's a picture of my mother and father on their wedding day. Now you tell me she's not a knockout.

ROSS: I cannot believe we're having this conversation.

JOEY: C'mon! Just try to picture her not pregnant, that's all.

MRS. BING: Car's waiting downstairs, I just wanted to drop off these copies of my book for your friends. Anything you want from Lisbon?

CHANDLER: No, just knowing you're gonna be there is enough.

ROSS: Ah, the forbidden love of a man and his door.

JOEY: Shh. He did it. He told her off, and not just about the kiss, about everything.

ROSS: You're kidding.

JOEY: No, no. He said 'When are you gonna grow up and start being a mom?'

ROSS: Wow!

JOEY: Then she came back with 'The question is, when are you gonna grow up and realize I have a bomb?'

ROSS: 'Kay, wait a minute, are you sure she didn't say 'When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?'?

JOEY: That makes more sense.

ROSS: So, what's going on now?

JOEY: I dunno, I've been standing here spelling it out for you! I don't hear anything. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

ROSS: Whaddya see?

JOEY: Hard to tell, they're so tiny and upside-down. Wait, wait. They're walking away... they're walking away... No, no they're not, they're coming right at us! Run! Run!

RACHEL: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.

MONICA: What's a 'niffle'?

JOEY: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.

RACHEL: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...

ROSS: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!

RACHEL: Alright, that's it! Give it back! That's it!

ALL: Nooo!

transcribed by guineapig