The One With The Race Car Bed (307)

written by Seth Kurland

PHOEBE: Ewww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!

JOEY: Booo!!

CHANDLER: Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!

JANICE: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.

Matress King: 'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices!

CHANDLER: What a wank!

JANICE: Oh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.

MONICA: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. And I'm appalled for you by the way.

RACHEL: 'Okay. Okay, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. Okay bye-bye.'

ROSS: We?

RACHEL: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's okay.

ROSS: Oh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.

RACHEL: Ross, my father doesn't hate you.

ROSS: Please, he refers to me as 'wethead'.

RACHEL: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.

CHANDLER: I'll go.

PHOEBE: Ugh! I don't know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.

MONICA: Not at these prices.

MONICA: Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.

PHOEBE: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler's your friend... Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.

JOEY: Hi!

PHOEBE: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?

JOEY: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I dismiss you.'

PHOEBE: Ooooh, nice.

JOEY: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.

PHOEBE: Oh, yay!

JOEY: Yeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, y'know, he's just like me. Except he's a boxer, and has an evil twin.

GUY: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. You Miss Geller?

PHOEBE: Okay.

GUY: Sign here.

PHOEBE: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. It's that bedroom there.

JOEY: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?

PHOEBE: Yeah, so please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler.

JOEY: You want me to lie to Chandler?

PHOEBE: Is that a problem?

JOEY: No.

GUY: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?

PHOEBE: Oh, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.

GUY: Gotcha.

DR. GREEN: So! How's the library?

ROSS: Ugh, museum.

DR. GREEN: What happened to the library?

ROSS: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.

DR. GREEN: You know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.

ROSS: Yeah, if you're really hungry. It was a joke, I made a joke.

RACHEL: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.

DR. GREEN: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.

ROSS: It's not a library...

DR. GREEN: I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu.

ROSS: So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat.

DR. GREEN: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?

ROSS: It gives it a nice antiquey look.

DR. GREEN: Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.

ROSS: Wow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that.

DR. GREEN: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.

ROSS: Oh, ah, you don't need that.

DR. GREEN: Why not?

ROSS: The carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.

DR. GREEN: What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?

ROSS: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really.

RACHEL: Yeah it is, it is. We really, really have to do something about that.

ROSS: I know.

DR. GREEN: Excuse me, you think I'm cheap?

RACHEL: Oh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't.

ROSS: Nothing I do means anything, really.

DR. GREEN: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right.

ROSS: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than 'wethead'.

JOEY: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it'. Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

STUDENT: Hey, Mr. Trib.

JOEY: Hey-hey.

STUDENT: Guess what, I got an audition!

JOEY: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.

STUDENT: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?

JOEY: You bet! What's the part?

STUDENT: Oh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.

RACHEL: All right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.

ROSS: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work.

RACHEL: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.

ROSS: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say 'Like me! Like me tiny doctor!'

CHANDLER: Knock, knock.

MONICA: Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed.

CHANDLER: Hey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want... Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.

PHOEBE: It's Monica's bed. What?

CHANDLER: Okay. It's a racecar.

PHOEBE: So. This has always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you?

CHANDLER: Okay, well it this bed isn't new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?

MONICA: Sometimes I have bad dreams.

STUDENT: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me.

JOEY: Wow! That was good. That was... Tweezers?

STUDENT: No.

JOEY: Whoa. That was really good.

CHANDLER: You told him to play the boxer gay!!

JOEY: Well, I-I might've said supergay.

CHANDLER: You totally screwed him over.

MONICA: Joey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this?

JOEY: Because, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part.

PHOEBE: Well, if you really, really want it, then it's okay.

RACHEL: Hi Daddy.

DR. GREEN: Baby. Ross.

ROSS: Dr. Green. How are you?

DR. GREEN: Thanks for dinner last night.

ROSS: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.

DR. GREEN: Nice hair. What'd ya do? Swim here?

ROSS: Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore.

RACHEL: What? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.

DR. GREEN: Ross? What's with the neck?

RACHEL: He's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...

DR. GREEN: You're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't get into medical school in Extapa!

ROSS: Thank you! That's what I keep saying.

RACHEL: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.

ROSS: Uh.

DR. GREEN: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?

RACHEL: Well that's his last name.

ROSS: And his first name.

DR. GREEN: He's Bobby Bobby?

RACHEL: And um, excuse me, he helps me.

ROSS: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?

DR. GREEN: What do you need help for?

RACHEL: With my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other.

DR. GREEN: Oh God!

ROSS: Argue with that.

RACHEL: What? It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter.

DR. GREEN: Come on! You're just titling! Her legs are fine!

ROSS: I know that!

DR. GREEN: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?

RACHEL: I'm sorry, let her?

ROSS: What can I do, she doesn't listen to me about renter's insurance either.

DR. GREEN: Wait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?!

RACHEL: No.

DR. GREEN: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!

ROSS: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?

DR. GREEN: I'd love some juice. Thanks.

ROSS: Okay. Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?

RACHEL: Yeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got checked yet.

ROSS: Excellent!

JOEY: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Thank you.