The One With The Giant Poking Device (308)

written by Adam Chase

CHANDLER: I will have one. Okay, I'm not gonna have one.

ROSS: Neither will I.

PHOEBE: No, no, it's just my tooth.

CHANDLER: All right I'll have one.

ROSS: So what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one.

PHOEBE: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him.

CHANDLER: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.

ROSS: Why? Why can't you go to him?

PHOEBE: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

CHANDLER: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse.

RACHEL: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!

PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'.

RACHEL: And all these people actually died?

PHOEBE: Yes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!

ROSS: Pheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence.

PHOEBE: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can't, their dead.

JOEY: Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?

ROSS: No, no he's not.

MONICA: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

ROSS: What? So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?

JOEY: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.

RACHEL: Joey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.

JOEY: It'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him.

PHOEBE: Well, you could wait 'til I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him.

ROSS: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.

JOEY: What did they do?

ROSS: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that.

MONICA: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?

ROSS: Yes, that's what I was going to ask, thank you.

RACHEL: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?

ROSS: You? You! Want to watch Ben? Yes! That'd be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is.

JOEY: Hey-hey, Ross?

ROSS: Yeah.

JOEY: I've got a science question.

ROSS: Hmm?

JOEY: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapien', is that why there extinct?

ROSS: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.

JOEY: Hey-hey, I'm not judging.

RACHEL: Okay. Okay honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. See that's a good boy. How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!

MONICA: He's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him.

RACHEL: We're not?!

MONICA: No we're not.

RACHEL: All right, I like that.

MONICA: Okay.

RACHEL: So we're okay, we're okay, we're okay, aren't we? No, we're not okay, we're not okay, there's a bump, there's a bump.

MONICA: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!

RACHEL: I cannot push it in!

CHANDLER: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?

JOEY: I'd really prefer a mountain bike.

CHANDLER: Janice's birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.

JOEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.

CHANDLER: That's a good idea, 'Dear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something serious.

JOEY: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious.

CHANDLER: All right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything ever.

PHOEBE: No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive!

RACHEL: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I?

PHOEBE: Yeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know.

MONICA: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.

PHOEBE: 'Hey! You're not dead! Okay, see ya!'

JANICE: How's my Bing-a-ling?

CHANDLER: Ah, I don't know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.

JANICE: Why are your eyes so white?

CHANDLER: You tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!

JANICE: Oh my God!!

CHANDLER: All right!

JANICE: How did you know?

CHANDLER: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.

JANICE: In the park?

CHANDLER: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?

PHOEBE: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.

JOEY: Uh.

PHOEBE: What?

JOEY: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still.

PHOEBE: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

RACHEL: Well maybe he's just taking a nap.

JOEY: I'm tellin' ya, he hasn't moved since this morning.

MONICA: All right, we should call somebody.

ROSS: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving.

RACHEL: Well, we have gotta find out if he's alive.

MONICA: How are we gonna do that? There's no way.

JOEY: Well, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him.

JOEY: Hey uh, what's a matter?

CHANDLER: I talked to Janice.

JOEY: Oh my God, is she going back to him?

CHANDLER: She doesn't know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the reciept!

JOEY: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?

CHANDLER: I don't know, y'know. What, what, would you do?

JOEY: Well, it doesn't matter what I would do.

CHANDLER: Come on, tell me.

JOEY: All right, you're probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, I would ah, I would bow out.

CHANDLER: What? What are you, what are you talking about?

JOEY: They have a kid together, y'know. They're like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, there's chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn't want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?

ROSS: Well, he's finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?

RACHEL: Are you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.

ROSS: It's okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could.

RACHEL: I did!

ROSS: I know! I'm saying you have to watch them all the time.

RACHEL: I did!!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!

ROSS: Monica?

MONICA: Yeah.

ROSS: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?

MONICA: No. Why?

ROSS: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head.

MONICA: Really?!

ROSS: Oh, and also, he's, he's walkin' kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he's in there just sort of y'know...

MONICA: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!!!

RACHEL: I hope it's still funny when you're in hell.

CHANDLER: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy.

JANICE: Okay.

CHANDLER: I think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why their not together.' and I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.

JANICE: Oh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say 'good-bye', there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soulmate, and I can't believe we're not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.

CHANDLER: Then don't leave me!

JANICE: What?

CHANDLER: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!

JANICE: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I've got to give my marriage another chance.

CHANDLER: No you don't! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.

JANICE: I'm sorry.

CHANDLER: Ohhh. Don't go.

JANICE: No, I-I-I gotta go.

CHANDLER: No. No! No! No!

JANICE: Honey, honey, people are looking.

CHANDLER: I don't care! I don't care!!

JANICE: Yeah, um, I'm, I'm leaving now.

CHANDLER: You can't leave! I have your shoe!

JANICE: Good-bye Chandler Bing.

GUNTHER: Rachel has those in burgundy.

JOEY: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manouver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.

ROSS: Can we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance!

PHOEBE: I'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.

JOEY: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we're approaching the window Thread the needle. Thread the needle.

PHOEBE: He's alive! He's a-live!!!

MONICA: And yet, we're still poking him.

JOEY: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.

ROSS: He does not look happy.

RACHEL: Hey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device.

JOEY: Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!