The One With Two Parts, Part 1 (116)

written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
ROSS: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, supposedly by accident.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I've done that.

ROSS: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did and pee-ed all over the crossword.

CHANDLER: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.

JOEY: I'm sayin' I see a difference.

CHANDLER: They're twins!

JOEY: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's - hot!

CHANDLER: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things. Let's not do that anymore.

CHANDLER: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

NINA: You wanted to see me?

CHANDLER: Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers.

NINA: Which is bad because--?

CHANDLER: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

NINA: Your--Excuse me?

CHANDLER: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics.

NINA: Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS.

CHANDLER: So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

MONICA: No, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's but obviously someone forgot.

RACHEL: Well someone was supposed to write "Rache, take down the lights" and put it on the refrigerator. How long has that been there?

CHANDLER: Hey, where you been?

JOEY: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, and she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.

JOEY: Pheebs? You think it would be ok if I asked your sister out?

PHOEBE: Why? Why would you wanna do that? Why?

JOEY: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and uh, I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but you know, we've grown apart. So, uh, I don't know. Why not?

RACHEL: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

PHOEBE: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

RACHEL: Ok. Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?

MONICA: I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job yet?

CHANDLER: Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights.

MONICA: Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest argument.

MONICA: Hi, Mr. Heckles.

MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.

MONICA: We're not doing anything. We're just sitting around talking, quietly.

MR. HECKLES: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep.

RACHEL: You don't even have cats.

MR. HECKLES: I could have cats.

RACHEL: Are you seein' her again tonight?

JOEY: Yep. Ice Capades.

CHANDLER: Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

SUSAN: I know it's frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it's over, we're all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives. I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

ROSS: I'm gonna be a father.

RACHEL: It's just occurring to you?

ROSS: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realized the baby was having me.

RACHEL: Oh, you're gonna be great!

ROSS: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

CHANDLER: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.

RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. Oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like, have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?


PHOEBE: Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then broke his heart, and then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Because he said he didn't wanna be around anything that looked like either one of us. I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but -

CHANDLER: You're not gonna lose him.

transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips