The One Where Rachel Quits (310)

written by Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins

RACHEL: Yeah.

GUNTHER: Do you remember when you first came here, how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress?

RACHEL: Oh, sure! Do you need me to train somebody new?

GUNTHER: Good one. Actually, ah, Terry wants you to take the training again, whenever.

MONICA: You broke a little girl's leg?!

ROSS: I know. I feel horrible. Okay.

CHANDLER: Says here that a muppet got whacked on Seasame Street last night. Where exactly were you around ten-ish?

ROSS: Well, I'm gonna go see her. I want to bring her something, what do you think she'll like?

MONICA: Maybe a Hello Kitty doll, the ability to walk...

JOEY: And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees.

PHOEBE: Have fun. Oh wait, no, don't! I forgot I am totally against that now.

JOEY: What? Me having a job?

PHOEBE: No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in like tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night?

JOEY: Well, I'm pretty tired from lugging the trees around all day. Hey, Phoebe listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees, their fulfilling their life purpose, by, by making people happy.

PHOEBE: Really?

CHANDLER: Yes. Yes, and ah, ah, the trees are happy too, because for most of them, it's the only chance to see New York.

GUNTHER: ... and after you've delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray....

RACHEL: Gunther, Gunther, please, I've worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there.

GUNTHER: What if you put them here.

RACHEL: Huh. Well, y'know that's actually a really good idea, because that way they'll be closer to the mugs. Y'know what, you should have the other waitresses do that too.

GUNTHER: They already do. That's why they call it the 'tray spot.'

RACHEL: Gee, I always heard them talk about that, I just always thought that it was a club they went to. Oh God, I'm, I'm sorry.

ROSS: So, this must be kinda neat for ya, huh? I mean, your Dad tells me that you get a couple of days off school, and you, you ah, don't have to sell those cookies anymore.

SARAH: Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to Spacecamp, and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.

ROSS: Wow, you ah, you really like all this space stuff, huh?

SARAH: Yeah. My Dad says if I spend as much time helping him clean apartments, as I do daydreaming about outer space, he'd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.

ROSS: I think you would have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.

SARAH: No. The one in Atlantic City, Dad loves the slots. He says he's gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.

ROSS: Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?

SARAH: The girl who won last year sold four hundred and seventy-five.

ROSS: Yeah.

SARAH: So far, I've sold seventy-five.

ROSS: Four hundred, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. How much are the boxes?

SARAH: Five dollars a box.

ROSS: And what is second prize?

SARAH: A ten-speed bike. But, I'd rather have something my Dad couldn't sell.

ROSS: Well, that makes sense.

SARAH: Could you do me one favor, if it's not too much trouble?

ROSS: Yeah, Sarah, anything.

SARAH: Could you pull open the curtains for me? The astronauts from the space shuttle are gonna be on the news, and since we don't have a TV, the lady across the alley said she'd push hers up to a window, so I could watch it.

PHOEBE: Hey.

JOEY: Hey. What, what are you doing here?

PHOEBE: Well, I-I thought a lot about what you said, and um, I realilized duh, all right maybe I was a little judgmental. Yeah, oh, but oh...

JOEY: Look now, Phoebe remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas....

PHOEBE: Destiny.

JOEY: Sure.

PHOEBE: Yes.

JOEY: All right.

PHOEBE: Okay. Yikes! That one doesn't look very fulfilled.

JOEY: Oh, that's, that's ah, one of the old ones, he's just taking it to the back.

PHOEBE: You keep the old ones in the back, that is so ageist.

JOEY: Well we have to make room for the fresh ones.

PHOEBE: So, what happens to the old guys?

JOEY: Well, they go into the chipper.

PHOEBE: Why, do I have a feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

ROSS: Mon?

MONICA: All right, I'll take one box of the mint treasures, just one, and that's it. I-I started gaining weight after I joined the Brown Birds. Remember, how Dad bought all my boxes and I ate them all?

ROSS: Ah, no Mon, Dad had to buy everyone of your boxes because you ate them all.

GUNTHER: And when you have a second later, I wanna show you why we don't just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.

RACHEL: I'm training to be better at a job that I hate, my life officially sucks.

JOEY: Look Rach, wasn't this supposed to a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff?

RACHEL: Well, yeah! I'm still pursuing that.

CHANDLER: How... exactly are you pursuing that? Y'know other than sending out resumes like what, two years ago?

RACHEL: Well, I'm also sending out.... good thoughts.

JOEY: If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you've got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.

RACHEL: The fear?

CHANDLER: He's right, if you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.

RACHEL: Well then how come you're still at a job that you hate, I mean why don't you quit and get 'the fear'?

CHANDLER: Because, I'm too afraid.

GUNTHER: Rachel?

RACHEL: Yeah.

GUNTHER: Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular.

RACHEL: Can't I just look at the handles on them?

GUNTHER: You would think.

RACHEL: Okay, fine. Gunther, y'know what, I am a terrible waitress, do you know why I'm a terrible waitress? Because, I don't care. I don't care. I don't care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf, I don't care where the tray spot is, I just don't care, this is not what I want to do. So I don't think I should do it anymore. I'm gonna give you my week's notice.

GUNTHER: What?!

RACHEL: Gunther, I quit.

CHANDLER: Does this mean we're gonna have to start paying for coffee?

RACHEL: Okay, stop what you're doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers...

ROSS: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?

CHANDLER: Me! On my computer.

ROSS: Well you sure used a large font.

CHANDLER: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.

JOEY: Hey! I got great news! Rachel, listen, have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?

RACHEL: No.

JOEY: Well my old man is doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening. So, you want me to see if I can get you an interview?

RACHEL: Oh my God! Yes, I would love that, oh, that is soo sweet, Joey.

JOEY: Not a problem.

RACHEL: Thanks.

JOEY: And now for the great news.

ROSS: What, that wasn't the great news?

JOEY: Only if you think it's better than this... snow-in-a-can!!!

JOEY: Okay, and ah, this one here is a Douglas Fir, now it's a little more money, but you get a nicer smell.

GUY: Looks good. I'll take it.

PHOEBE: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! No, no, you don't want that one. No, you can have this cool brown one.

GUY: It's-it's-it's almost dead!

PHOEBE: Oh! Oh my God!

JOEY AND MONICA: Merry Christmas!!!

PHOEBE: You saved them! You guys! Oh God, you're the best!

CHANDLER: It's like 'Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees.'

RACHEL: Here we go. I'm serving my last cup of coffee. There you go. Enjoy.

CHANDLER: Should I tell her I ordered tea?

ROSS: No.

RACHEL: Um, excuse me, everyone. Ah, this is my last night working here, and I ah, just wanted say that I made some really good friends working here, and ah, it's just time to move on. Ah, and no offence to everybody who ah, still works here, you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment I will never have to make coffee again.

RACHEL'S BOSS: Now Mr. Kaplan Sr. likes his coffee strong, so you're gonna use two bags instead of one, see. Now pay attention, 'cause this part's tricky, see some people use filters just once.