The One With The Morning After (316)

written by Marta Kauffman & David Crane

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party


PHOEBE: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?

MONICA: Oh, there's banana on it.

PHOEBE: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.

MONICA: So then you know?

PHOEBE: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.

MONICA: Oh, good. Thanks.

PHOEBE: Now what is Fabutec?

MONICA: Okay, all right don't judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing....

PHOEBE: Waxine!!!

MONICA: Yes! Have you seen it?

PHOEBE: Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.

MONICA: I know!!

PHOEBE: God. Do you think it really doesn't hurt? 'Cause how can they do that?

MONICA: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!

PHOEBE: They have the best stuff in there.

CHANDLER: Oh my God! Oh my God!

JOEY: Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?

ROSS: You think?! God, I, ah, I'm in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel's all like, 'I love you and, and let's work on this.' And all I can think about is, 'What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?' when I tell her what I did.

CHANDLER: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?

ROSS: What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?

JOEY: Look, Ross look, I'm on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that's gonna get you in trouble.

CHANDLER: He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're just gonna hurt her.

JOEY: Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left to rebuild.

ROSS: Yeah, but don't you think...

CHANDLER: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

JOEY: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn't find out some other way. Did you think about the trail?

ROSS: What trail?

JOEY: The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! You always have to think about the trail!

ROSS: Oh, I-I don't think there's any trail.

CHANDLER: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac's sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe's friends with Rachel. And that's the trail, I did it!

PHOEBE: After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one,

MONICA: Did that!

PHOEBE: Grasp one of the linen strips by its 'easy grab tab' and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.

MONICA: Okay. Ow!!! Ow-oh-oh!

PHOEBE: Was it not pain-free?

MONICA: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.

PHOEBE: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don't seem to think it's that bad.

MONICA: That's because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don't believe me, please, by my guest.

PHOEBE: Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!

MONICA: Now, are you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips?

ROSS: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?

CHLOE: Oh no. I feel it isn't really anybody's business, y'know.

ROSS: Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention anything to Issac right?

CHLOE: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.

ROSS: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven't actually met...

ISSAC: You dog!

ROSS: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend.

ISSAC: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.

ROSS: Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I don't want to hurt her.

ISSAC: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn't matter how much we love 'em, monogamy is too cruel a rule.

ROSS: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?

ISSAC: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We're the same, you and me.

ROSS: Actually, no, we're not.

ISSAC: Yeah, we are.

ROSS: No, we're not.

ISSAC: Yeah, we are.

ROSS: No, we're not!!

ISSAC: Okay, we're not.

ROSS: Right.

ISSAC: But, we are.

ROSS: Fine. I just need to know that you're not gonna tell your sister.

ISSAC: I can promise not to tell her again.

ROSS: Jasmine?

JASMINE: Uh-huh.

ROSS: We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm Ross Geller.

JASMINE: You did a bad thing!

ROSS: Yes, I did.

JASMINE: Very bad!

ROSS: Very bad.

JASMINE: Very, very bad.

ROSS: I'm agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet?


ROSS: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?

JASMINE: All right.

ROSS: Thank you, thank you.

JASMINE: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too.

ROSS: Who's your roommate?

ROSS: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

GUNTHER: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?

PHOEBE: We're all right.

MONICA: It's okay, it's okay.

PHOEBE: We're all right.

MONICA: We were just waxing our legs.


PHOEBE: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.

JOEY: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that's all. I mean, come on, it's just a little wax.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, come here.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's mature.

JOEY: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

MONICA: That's right.

RACHEL: Ross, you had sex with another woman!

MONICA: Oh my God.

PHOEBE: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk...

MONICA: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn't tell us?!

CHANDLER: He has sex, and we get hit in our heads.

RACHEL: Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

ROSS: No!!!

RACHEL: Just get out! Now!!!

ROSS: No! No! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

RACHEL: Okay! All right! How was she?


ROSS: What?

RACHEL: Was she good?

JOEY: Don't answer that.

RACHEL: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk about it!! How was she?

ROSS: She was...

JOEY: Awful! Horrible!

CHANDLER: She was not good. Not good.

JOEY: She was nothing compared to you.

ROSS: She, she was different.

JOEY: Ewwwww!


RACHEL: Good different?

ROSS: Nobody likes change.

ROSS: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me!

RACHEL: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!!

ROSS: Look, I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up.

RACHEL: We were on a break!

ROSS: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up.

RACHEL: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?

ROSS: Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead!

RACHEL: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!

RACHEL: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!

ROSS: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn't happen!

RACHEL: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.

ROSS: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.

CHANDLER: Wax the door shut, we're never leaving, ever.

ROSS: Don't you realise none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you weren't having sex with Mark?

RACHEL: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?

ROSS: Yes I would.

RACHEL: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?

ROSS: Yes.

RACHEL: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were...

ROSS: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it's, I mean it's you.

ALL: Ohhhhh!

PHOEBE: We could eat the wax! It's organic.

CHANDLER: Oh great, food with hair on it.

PHOEBE: No, not the used wax.

CHANDLER: Because that would be crazy?

ROSS: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I'm kinda hungry myself.

RACHEL: Fine. Hi! Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza.

ROSS: No anchovies.

RACHEL: With ah, extra anchovies.

ROSS: That's okay, I'll just pick 'em off.

RACHEL: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce?

JOEY: You think I need a new walk?


JOEY: Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.

CHANDLER: Are you actually saying these words?

ROSS: What, now you're not even taking to me? Look Rachel, I-I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I'd lost you, I didn't know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don't cheat right, I, that's not me, I'm not Joey!

MONICA: Hey. It's three in the morning. They don't know that I've come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.

PHOEBE: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.

ROSS: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? Look, I, I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I just can't see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.

RACHEL: No Ross!!! Don't! You can't just kiss me and think you're gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn't work that way. It doesn't just make it better. Okay?

ROSS: Okay, okay, okay.

RACHEL: I think you should go.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I really think you need to go now.

ROSS: Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn't work past it together...

RACHEL: Yeah, what the hell did I know!

ROSS: Look, look, there's got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life without you. Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, and, and...

RACHEL: No. I can't, you're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can't stop picturing with her, I can't, it doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It's just changed, everything. Forever.

ROSS: Yeah, but this can't be it, I mean.

RACHEL: Then how come it is?

PHOEBE: They've been quiet for a long time.

JOEY: Maybe she killed him?

CHANDLER: Let's go. Is that your new walk?

JOEY: No, I really have to pee.

transcribed by Eric B Aasen