The One With The Morning After (316)

written by Marta Kauffman & David Crane

MONICA: Hey.

PHOEBE: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?

MONICA: Oh, there's banana on it.

PHOEBE: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.

MONICA: So then you know?

PHOEBE: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.

MONICA: Oh, good. Thanks.

PHOEBE: Now what is Fabutec?

MONICA: Okay, all right don't judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before, except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing....

PHOEBE: Waxine!!!

MONICA: Yes! Have you seen it?

PHOEBE: Oh, it's incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.

MONICA: I know!!

PHOEBE: God. Do you think it really doesn't hurt? 'Cause how can they do that?

MONICA: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain forest!

PHOEBE: They have the best stuff in there.

CHANDLER: Oh my God! Oh my God!

JOEY: Yeah. We figured when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?

ROSS: You think?! God, I, ah, I'm in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do? Rachel's all like, 'I love you and, and let's work on this.' And all I can think about is, 'What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?' when I tell her what I did.

CHANDLER: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question. How dumb are you?

ROSS: What?! Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?

JOEY: Look, Ross look, I'm on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just not about stuff that's gonna get you in trouble.

CHANDLER: He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit, and you're just gonna hurt her.

JOEY: Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left to rebuild.

ROSS: Yeah, but don't you think...

CHANDLER: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.

JOEY: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn't find out some other way. Did you think about the trail?

ROSS: What trail?

JOEY: The trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it! You always have to think about the trail!

ROSS: Oh, I-I don't think there's any trail.

CHANDLER: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac's sister is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe's friends with Rachel. And that's the trail, I did it!

PHOEBE: After applying the Waxine and linen strips to leg number one,

MONICA: Did that!

PHOEBE: Grasp one of the linen strips by its 'easy grab tab' and pull it off in one quick pain free motion.

MONICA: Okay. Ow!!! Ow-oh-oh!

PHOEBE: Was it not pain-free?

MONICA: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now with a little wax.

PHOEBE: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don't seem to think it's that bad.

MONICA: That's because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But hey, y'know if you don't believe me, please, by my guest.

PHOEBE: Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!

MONICA: Now, are you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips?

ROSS: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?

CHLOE: Oh no. I feel it isn't really anybody's business, y'know.

ROSS: Exactly. So you didn't, didn't mention anything to Issac right?

CHLOE: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.

ROSS: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know we haven't actually met...

ISSAC: You dog!

ROSS: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a girlfriend.

ISSAC: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.

ROSS: Yeah, that's the one. Listen, I don't want to hurt her.

ISSAC: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn't matter how much we love 'em, monogamy is too cruel a rule.

ROSS: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?

ISSAC: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We're the same, you and me.

ROSS: Actually, no, we're not.

ISSAC: Yeah, we are.

ROSS: No, we're not.

ISSAC: Yeah, we are.

ROSS: No, we're not!!

ISSAC: Okay, we're not.

ROSS: Right.

ISSAC: But, we are.

ROSS: Fine. I just need to know that you're not gonna tell your sister.

ISSAC: I can promise not to tell her again.

ROSS: Jasmine?

JASMINE: Uh-huh.

ROSS: We met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm, I'm Ross Geller.

JASMINE: You did a bad thing!

ROSS: Yes, I did.

JASMINE: Very bad!

ROSS: Very bad.

JASMINE: Very, very bad.

ROSS: I'm agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe yet?

JASMINE: No.

ROSS: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don't. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?

JASMINE: All right.

ROSS: Thank you, thank you.

JASMINE: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe too.

ROSS: Who's your roommate?

ROSS: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn't say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.

GUNTHER: I'm sorry. Was I not supposed to?

PHOEBE: We're all right.

MONICA: It's okay, it's okay.

PHOEBE: We're all right.

MONICA: We were just waxing our legs.

CHANDLER: Off?!

PHOEBE: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.

JOEY: Yeah, I-I think that women just have a lower threshold of pain than men, that's all. I mean, come on, it's just a little wax.

PHOEBE: Oh yeah, come here.

CHANDLER: Oh, that's mature.

JOEY: Okay, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?

PHOEBE: Uh-huh.

MONICA: That's right.

RACHEL: Ross, you had sex with another woman!

MONICA: Oh my God.

PHOEBE: Oh, I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.

CHANDLER: Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk...

MONICA: Oh!! (hits Chandler and Joey in the head) You guys knew about this and you didn't tell us?!

CHANDLER: He has sex, and we get hit in our heads.

RACHEL: Y'know what, I want you to leave! Get outta here!

ROSS: No!!!

RACHEL: Just get out! Now!!!

ROSS: No! No! I wanna stay. I wanna talk about this.

RACHEL: Okay! All right! How was she?

CHANDLER: Uh-oh.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: Was she good?

JOEY: Don't answer that.

RACHEL: Come on Ross! You said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk about it!! How was she?

ROSS: She was...

JOEY: Awful! Horrible!

CHANDLER: She was not good. Not good.

JOEY: She was nothing compared to you.

ROSS: She, she was different.

JOEY: Ewwwww!

CHANDLER: Uh-oh.

RACHEL: Good different?

ROSS: Nobody likes change.

ROSS: Listen. Oh hey, hey, the important thing was that she meant, she meant nothing to me!

RACHEL: And yet she was worth jeopardising our relationship!!

ROSS: Look, I didn't think there was a relationship to jeopardise. I thought we were broken up.

RACHEL: We were on a break!

ROSS: That, for all I knew would, could last forever. That to me is a break-up.

RACHEL: You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?

ROSS: Look, I'm not trying to get out of anything, okay. I thought our relationship was dead!

RACHEL: Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake!

RACHEL: God! And to have to hear about it from Gunther!!

ROSS: Come on! Like I wanted him to tell you, I ran all over the place trying to make sure that didn't happen!

RACHEL: Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.

ROSS: Look Rachel, I wanted to tell you, I thought I should, I-I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.

CHANDLER: Wax the door shut, we're never leaving, ever.

ROSS: Don't you realise none of this would've ever happened if I didn't think at that same moment you weren't having sex with Mark?

RACHEL: All right. Let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?

ROSS: Yes I would.

RACHEL: You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me?

ROSS: Yes.

RACHEL: You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were...

ROSS: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, I would have been devastated but, I would still want to be with you. Because it's, I mean it's you.

ALL: Ohhhhh!

PHOEBE: We could eat the wax! It's organic.

CHANDLER: Oh great, food with hair on it.

PHOEBE: No, not the used wax.

CHANDLER: Because that would be crazy?

ROSS: Hey, can I, can I get in on that? Because I'm kinda hungry myself.

RACHEL: Fine. Hi! Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza.

ROSS: No anchovies.

RACHEL: With ah, extra anchovies.

ROSS: That's okay, I'll just pick 'em off.

RACHEL: Yeah, and could you please chop some up and just put it right there in the sauce?

JOEY: You think I need a new walk?

CHANDLER: What?

JOEY: Well y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school. Y'know, y'know how some guys they walk into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk.

CHANDLER: Are you actually saying these words?

ROSS: What, now you're not even taking to me? Look Rachel, I-I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry, I was out of my mind. I thought I'd lost you, I didn't know what to do. Come on! Come on, how insane must I have been to do something like this? Huh? I-I don't cheat right, I, that's not me, I'm not Joey!

MONICA: Hey. It's three in the morning. They don't know that I've come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.

PHOEBE: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.

ROSS: Okay, well here we are. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do you want to handle it? Huh? Do you wanna fight for us? Or, do you wanna bail? Look, I, I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing. Okay? And I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I just can't see us throwing away something we know is so damn good. Rachel, I love you so much.

RACHEL: No Ross!!! Don't! You can't just kiss me and think you're gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn't work that way. It doesn't just make it better. Okay?

ROSS: Okay, okay, okay.

RACHEL: I think you should go.

ROSS: What?

RACHEL: I really think you need to go now.

ROSS: Okay, okay. This morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn't work past it together...

RACHEL: Yeah, what the hell did I know!

ROSS: Look, look, there's got to be a way we can work past this. Okay, I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life without you. Without, without these arms, and your face, and this heart. Your good heart Rach, and, and...

RACHEL: No. I can't, you're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. God, and now I just can't stop picturing with her, I can't, it doesn't matter what you say, or what you do, Ross. It's just changed, everything. Forever.

ROSS: Yeah, but this can't be it, I mean.

RACHEL: Then how come it is?

PHOEBE: They've been quiet for a long time.

JOEY: Maybe she killed him?

CHANDLER: Let's go. Is that your new walk?

JOEY: No, I really have to pee.