The One With The Tiny T-Shirt (319)

written by Adam Chase

Season 1
Where Monica Gets A New Roomate
With The Sonogram At The End
With The Thumb
With George Stephanoloulos
With The East German Laundry Detergent
With The Butt
With The Blackout
Where Nana Dies Twice
Where Underdog Gets Away
With The Monkey
With Mrs.Bing
With The Dozen Lasagnes
With The Boobies
With The Candy Hearts
With The Stoned Guy
With Two Parts, Part 1
With Two Parts, Part 2
With All The Poker
Where The Monkey Gets Away
With The Evil Orthodontist
With The Fake Monica
With The Ick Factor
With The Birth
Where Rachel Finds Out

Season 2
With Ross' New Girlfriend
With The Breast Milk
Where Heckles Dies
With Phoebe's Husband
With Five Steaks And An Eggplant
With The Baby On The Bus
Where Ross Finds Out
With The List
With Phoebe's Dad
With Russ
With The Lesbian Wedding
After The Superbowl, Part 1
After The Superbowl, Part 2
With The Prom Video
Where Ross And Rachel... You Know
Where Joey Moves Out
Where Eddie Moves In
Where Dr.Remore Dies
Where Eddie Won't Go
Where Old Yeller Dies
With The Two Bullies
With The Two Parties
With The Chickenpox
With Barry And Mindy's Wedding

Season 3
With The Princess Leia Fantasy
Where No-One's Ready
With The Jam
With The Metaphorical Tunnel
With Frank Jnr
With The Flashback
With The Race Car Bed
With The Giant Poking Device
With The Football
Where Rachel Quits
Where Chandler Can`t Remember Which Sister
With All The Jealousy
Where Monica And Richard Are Friends
With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Where Ross And Rachel Take A Break
With The Morning After
With The Ski Trip
With The Hypnosis Tape
With The Tiny T-Shirt
With The Dollhouse
With The Chick and the Duck
With The Screamer
With Ross's Thing
With The Ultimate Fighting Champion
At The Beach

Season 4
With The Jellyfish
With The Cat
With The 'Cuffs
With The Ballroom Dancing
With Joey's New Girlfriend
With The Dirty Girl
Where Chandler Crosses The Line
With Chandler In A Box
Where They're Gonna Party!
With The Girl From Poughkeepsie
With Phoebe's Uterus
With The Embryos
With Rachel's Crush
With Joey's Dirty Day
With All The Rugby
With The Fake Party
With The Free Porn
With Rachel's New Dress
With All The Haste
With All The Wedding Dresses
With The Invitation
With The Worst Best Man Ever
With Ross`s Wedding Part I and II

Season 5
After Ross Said Rachel
With All The Kissing
Where Phoebe Hates PBS
With All The Kips
With The Yeti
Where Ross Moves In
With The Thanksgiving Flashbacks
With Ross's Sandwich
With The Inappropriate Sister
With All The Resolutions
With Chandler's Work Laugh
With Joey's Bag
Where Everyone Finds Out
With The Girl Who Hits Joey
With A Cop
With Rachel's Inadvertant Kiss
Where Rachel Smokes
Where Ross Can't Flirt
With The Ride Along
With The Ball
With Joey's Big Break
In Vegas (Season Finale/Hour Long Episode)

Season 6
After Vegas
Where Ross Hugs Rachel
With Ross's Denial
Where Joey Loses His Insurance
With Joey's Porsche
With The Last Night
Where Phoebe Runs
With Ross's Teeth
Where Ross Got High
With The Routine
With The Apothecary Table
With The Joke
With Rachels Sister
Where Chandler Can't Cry
That Could Have Been (Parts 1 & 2)
With The Unagi
Where Ross Dates A Student
With Joey's Fridge
With Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E.
Where Ross Meets Elizabeth's Dad
Where Paul's The Man
With The Ring
With The Proposal(Season Finale)

With Monica\'s Thunder
With Rachel's Book
With Phoebe's Cookies
With Rachel's Assistant
With The Engagement Picture
With The Nap Partners
With Ross's Library Book
Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs
With All The Candy
With The Holiday Armadilio
With All The Cheesecakes
Where They're Up All Night
Where Rosita Dies
Where They All Turn Thirty
With Joey's New Brain
With The Truth About London
With The Cheap Wedding Dress
With Joey's Award
With Ross and Monica's Cousin
With Rachel's Big Kiss
With The Vows
With Chandler's Dad

Season 8
After 'I Do'
With The Red Sweater
Where Rachel Tells...
With The Videotape
With Rachel's Date
With The Halloween Party
PETE: y'know, that's why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. Y'know, so you could be like-like, 'Wash my car.' 'Clean my room.' It's not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it'll understand what you're saying.

MONICA: Hello, people who do not live here.

ALL: Hi! Hello!

MONICA: I gave you a key for emergencies!

PHOEBE: We were out of Doritos.

ROSS: Hey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?

CHANDLER: Mr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.

MONICA: He's great! I mean we have such a good time together! He's so funny, and sooo sweet, and I'm not attracted to him at all!!

ROSS: Still?!

MONICA: Noo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean every other way he's like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.

CHANDLER: Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image?



JOEY: Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie!

ROSS: I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.Monica and


CHANDLER: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.


JOEY: Oh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh?

KATE: Yes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?

JOEY: Oh, no. Ah, I playing your husband, Victor. I'm Joey Tribianni.

KATE: Hi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.

JOEY: So the ah, play's pretty great, huh?

KATE: Oh, yeah. I love Jennifer Van Murray's work. She's so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class.

JOEY: Oh, forget about it. She rocks!

KATE: Where do I know you from?

JOEY: Dr. Drake Remoray. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.

KATE: No, that's not it. So, you're a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you to be in a real play, hmm?

JOEY: Hey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious actor.

KATE: That info-mercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You're-you're-you're the guy that doesn't know how to pour milk!!

JOEY: See, I actually can pour milk, but I got you believing that I couldn't. Now, see, that's acting.

KATE: Right, at the end, you choked on a cookie.

JOEY: Yeah, that was real.

ROSS: So Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.

JOEY: Wow, what-what do you think she wants?

ROSS: Well, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realises that life without me... a-sucks.

CHANDLER: It's possible. You are very loveable, I'd miss you if I broke up with you. I was just trying to be supportive.

ROSS: Then be supportive like a guy.

CHANDLER: If I broke up with you, I'd miss you.

ROSS: You ah, wanted to see me?

RACHEL: Yeah. Ahh, here's a box of your stuff. (hands him a box)

ROSS: What?!

RACHEL: Oh, y'know, it's just like hats, and a shirt, and CD's, just sort of stuff that you've left here.

ROSS: What are you doing? Are you trying to hurt me? Or something?

ROSS: Yeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift?!

RACHEL: Ross, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.

ROSS: It's still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!

PHOEBE: So, you're like a zillionaire?

CHANDLER: And you're our age. You're our age.

PHOEBE: Y'know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.

PETE: What like Pete Dakota?

PHOEBE: Yeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.

JOEY: Oh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.

CHANDLER: That's not a state Joe.

JOEY: Oh, and Mississ-Pete is?

KATE: Happy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?

JOEY: Well, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and nothin'. You look at me, and it's nothin'. Nothing.

THE DIRECTOR: Tasty! I'm really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it's-it's nice.

KATE: I have a question about this scene.


KATE: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.

THE DIRECTOR: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good looking.

JOEY: Yeah.

KATE: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.

JOEY: Oh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it's says so in the script! Y'know ah, I-I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you're a bitch.

KATE: It doesn't say that in the script.

JOEY: It does in mine!

CHANDLER: I can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn't matter, I still wind up with this little cowlicky thing on the middle part of my head. It's so annoying. Does it bug you?

ROSS: You bug me.

CHANDLER: Ross! You gotta stop! Okay?! You can't just stare through the peep hole for three hours! You're gonna get peep eye!

ROSS: I knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! Y'know, she'd say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!

CHANDLER: You didn't just break up.

ROSS: Hey, it's been like three weeks!

CHANDLER: You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets have left guns slower!

ROSS: Here they come, here they come. Oh-ho, if she kisses him goodnight, I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't, I can't watch this. Come on, date over! Date over! Uh-oh, here we go, she's going in.


ROSS: She's going in. Wait! He's going in! He's going in!! The door's closed! I, I can't see anything but the door closed!!!

CHANDLER: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

CHANDLER: She's moving on! Okay, if it's not this guy, it's gonna be somebody else! And unless you're thinking about subletting my peep hole, you are going to have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Okay, man? It's over.

ROSS: Yeah, okay.


ROSS: It's just I miss her so much.


RACHEL: Y'know what?

MARK: No. And I don't think I'm gonna want to.

RACHEL: I can't do this.

MARK: Yep. Yep, that's what I didn't want to know.

RACHEL: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.

MARK: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!

RACHEL: Oh God. I'm sorry about this.

MARK: That's okay.

RACHEL: You sure?

MARK: Yeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself.

CHANDLER: Uh-oh, what did she do now?

JOEY: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!

JOEY: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!!! With her, 'Oh, I'm so talented.' and 'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and 'Ooh, I smell so good.'

CHANDLER: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.

JOEY: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know?

CHANDLER: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.

JOEY: Oh. Ohh. Ohh, you're out of your mind.

CHANDLER: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!

JOEY: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!

CHANDLER: So, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?

PHOEBE: Okay well, he would turn things to gold.

CHANDLER: What about things that are already gold?

PHOEBE: Ahh, his work is done.

CHANDLER: Okay, let's play my game now.

PHOEBE: Okay. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!!!

transcribed by Eric B Aasen